Lets train

Answer Two or Three

Question: How many kids do you want to have?

Even before we got married, I would always answer with the above response. And it's still the accurate response because I'm maddeningly torn between having a third child and being done with my two. I feel that I must write this overly analytical, wishy washy post on whether or not to have a third but I do NOT want you all to feel like I'm begging for the following comment: 'You should totally have a third kid!' Because I'm not asking for that validation in putting this indecisiveness out there. Prom. I'm sure there are other moms in my position, going back and forth over the prospect of another pregnancy and I remember reading Laura's thoughts on this topic (loved it to death). Plus, I love to plan and over-think and control things. Hence this post. And this blog.

So, my kids are pretty freaking rad. Not sure I've ever used the word 'rad' before and that probably makes me incredibly lame and geriatric....but they are. Truman and Cecelia are freaking awesome. I adore being their mother---it's the most rewarding and the most challenging role of my life. I love my kids so much that I frequently find myself grinning like a creepster when I'm looking at their pictures or thinking about something cute they did the other day. Especially now, after crossing the magical first year milestone with my 'baby', I find myself feeling both settled and ready for the next shake up.

It's a paradox that I didn't really expect; I figured once Cecelia turned one I would just know whether or not we were done having kids. In fact, whenever anyone asked the golden question prior to her birthday, I'd say, 'We aren't even going to discuss it until CC turns one.' Because, duh. The first year is crazy hard and I feel like life has to be on the 'just getting by' setting until babies grow up a little bit, life settles down, and the dust settles. And now that the dust is settling (and we are all sleeping again), I'm kind of like, 'Well, that wasn't too awful. Let's do it again.'

To which Nate replies, 'You are crazy, woman.' Not really, but he would definitely be MORE than fine with 'just' these two whipper snappers. His take on the matter is that we have two happy, healthy children...one boy, one girl...and they are more than enough to keep us busy over the years. Also, he likes to put on his dollar sign glasses and the cost of a third kid would be no joke, just like the two we have now tend to make a big impact in our budget. Cha-ching!

A third would mean we'd definitely need a new car sooner than later, although that is probably going to happen even if we don't procreate again. My beloved ride is twelve years old and starting to show some signs of the end of her sweet life...but she is a trooper and hanging on for now. We have a three bedroom home that we don't plan on moving out of anytime soon, if ever. I think having two kids share a bedroom is totally acceptable and seems kind of fun. Nate thinks it would never work. So then he thinks that the dream-worthy addition we like to talk about adding onto our house would be another 'must' which, of course, makes him grab his wallet for dear life. Another partially unpaid maternity leave, more clothes, more food, more diapers, etc.....and then of course the 'big kid' expenses like sports and activities and freaking college. Which will probably be a bajillion dollars each semester by the time our kids are there, but whatever.

Kids are expensive. But kids are freaking amazing and even Nate will say that he's not totally opposed to a third kid (cue the inner squeal!), but he's not totally convinced that is what is best for our family.

And honestly? I'm not totally convinced I want to push for a third, either. I love being pregnant, I love the magic of labor and delivery (WITH drugs, thank you very much), and that special dreamlike time when a new member of the family arrives? I could bottle it up, I love it so much. Newborns are hard but they are cleverly adorable. It's the daily routine with three kids that freaks me out the most. Three in and out of the car. Three baths. Three mouths to feed. Three kids all sick at the same time, creating messes at the same time, wanting to be held at the same time. The NEEDS of three kids, all resting directly on my shoulders when my parenting partner isn't there to share the weight of those needs. Would three be the straw that breaks the camel's (my) back? Would I be able to handle the chaos? Would I lose it mentally? Reading this article makes me very, very nervous, my friends. I think life is crazy with two but sometimes I cannot even imagine the stress level with three.

But it's a blip in the radar of life, right? So quickly we forget the pain of birth, the sleepless nights, the frustrating moments of mothering young kids. Selective momnesia, I suppose. I'm a good mom and I think I would be up for the challenge of three. When my inner skeptic questions if I'm cut out to be a mom of three, my inner competitor likes to say, 'Watch me.' I might have multiple personalities, yes, point taken.

As I packed up Cecelia's bottles the other day, I felt a rush of excitement and butterflies in my stomach thinking about getting these bottles out again for another baby. When I dig through baby clothes bins in our attic I can't help but get a little giddy thinking about whether we would see the boy clothes or the girl clothes on another little bitty baby. I will pass by my 'pregnancy test/ovulation strips/charting stuff' box in the attic and smile, because how fun/exhausting/exciting to think about doing it all over again. A growing belly. Kicks from the inside. Another birth story. And then another newborn blur for the first weeks/months/year. I could totally do it again. In a heartbeat.

Without being too 'out there', somedays I have a flash forward vision when I picture myself driving a mini van all over town, and the van is packed full of three kids. I see three spunky kids throwing food at each other/yelling/singing/laughing behind my drivers seat. I see three different personalities and activities and three different backpacks strewn across our house. A calendar jammed with soccer games and tee ball and dance class and Lord knows what else. The taxi-cab years are something I'm actually looking forward to, although I'm sure it will be ridiculously crazy. But a good crazy. I imagine three kids coming home from college, three weddings, three sets of grandkids. I like to dream and a lot of them include three.

I hate letting negative thoughts sit in my head, so I might as well get them all out here. I also worry that we'd be pushing our luck with a third and what if we had a baby not as healthy, one with special needs or behavior issues, or one that is seriously ill? Part of me is still quite shaken up from my last two pregnancies. Having one really horrible/prolonged miscarriage and then Cecelia's pregnancy when she was not supposed to make it either has really left an impression on me. As they should, I suppose. Maybe I would have a really hard time even getting pregnant next time. Or another loss. Or worse. I'm not naive enough to think that I can just snap my fingers and make the decision to have another healthy baby in my arms. And I know there are women out there who would give almost anything to be in my shoes with two precious babes napping upstairs as I type this.

Sometimes I think that I need to learn contentment with the many blessings I've been given. How could I ever say that Truman and Cecelia are not enough, when they are the dearest blessings I could have ever imagined? To say that I'm grateful for my babies is the understatement of the year, and I try to never ever take them for granted. I worry that asking God for a third baby would be like saying I'm not happy with my current two. Which is obviously NOT the case but that is my inner pessimist talking.

After I think about the fears of a third kid a bit I always come back to this: I was also scared and nervous about adding Truman and then Cecelia to our family. Going from 0-1 was hard and going from 1-2 was also hard, but in different ways. And we all survived and I am so thankful we took those leaps of faith each time. I didn't know what it would be like to juggle one, and then two kids. The day-to-day stuff scared me then and thinking about it with a third scares me now. But I know that if we were blessed AGAIN with another child we would never regret that sweet baby. We might have some pretty low moments in the middle of the night after getting horribly broken sleep and tending to the needs of a preschooler and a toddler on top of a newborn. Oh, there would be hard times, for sure. But in my heart I absolutely think that the highs would still outweigh the lows. Kids are just the best, and having more kids would bring even more joy. Right?

So I've always wanted two or three. Nate would be fine with two but I'm sure I could convince him about a third. Plus I think technically he has also always said 'two or three' as his answer, even before marriage. But no matter what, we will wait awhile to make our final decision. There's no rush. I love our 2 year and 3 month age gap but waiting even longer than that would be fine, too. So for now I will continue to go back and forth over this matter every.single.day. One day I am certain we are done and the next I'm even MORE positive we'll have a third. Which basically means we are 50/50 at this point. Totally undecided, and that's ok.

Because life is still awesome with T and C as the epicenters. And feeling content is never a bad thing. And there's never a dull moment with these guys.