Lets train

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Sweet Porter boy is eleven weeks old today! I know, I'm not sure where the time has gone either. I have now been away from work for over twelve weeks, using my first week of maternity leave being very very pregnant and impatient. Monday will be my first day back in the workforce after 12.5 weeks off. Glorious, glorious maternity leave is over. Insert sad face emoticon here.



So many feelings about this, but I'll keep it short: I'm nervous, tired just thinking about it, but also ready to get the show on the road already. It will be the next chapter in life with three and I *know* we can all handle this big transition. I will just assume it will probably suck for awhile and I'll likely feel like I've been hit by a bus. But SOMEDAY we will slide into a new routine and I might even feel like I'm doing more than simply treading water. We shall see. As long as I don't drown we'll call it a win.



Porter is the exact opposite of his sister in one way: Cecelia refused the bottle and was in love with nursing, and I'm afraid that Porter is refusing to nurse and will make out with his daycare bottles. It's quite ironic to me that in my 'end of maternity leave' post with Cecelia, I was stressed out over the transition because she would NOT latch on to a bottle. And Porter? I'm stressed because he seems to only want a bottle. Kids. It's always something. (Except for Mister Perfect Truman who was a dream boat baby with nursing....all 14 pounds of himself at this age).

The backstory: for the past 2-3 weeks I've had this nagging feeling that Porter wasn't nursing well anymore. It was better for awhile and not so great again. He will nurse for literally 5 minutes and usually only on my right (big producer) side. Sometimes he is happy and just done and other times he is angry and just done after that. There are times I can convince him to keep going but many times he just doesn't wanna. Milk is literally still dripping out from my body but he isn't having it. I thought maybe he was just efficient? My official diagnosis is that he gets mad after the first let down and wants the milk to keep spraying out at him, annoyed if it slows to a trickle. But whatever, he has been nursing about every 2-3 hours, isn't fussy, seems mostly satisfied, etc. I figured if something was really wrong with breastfeeding we would know. Wouldn't he be totally inconsolable and obviously angry at life? Because he is usually so happy. Like, disgustingly happy.





(smiling, unknowingly, before his two month shots)





Warning: poop talk ahead. I'm such a mom right now, discussing my baby's diapers on the internet. But his poops have also been greenish for as long as I can remember. I brought this up to the Ped at Porter's one month appointment but the doc thought as long as P was growing, was happy, and was having enough wet/poopy diapers it was fine. Don't change anything because we could just have more problems to deal with, and odd colored poops are not uncommon at one month. Apparently now at two months, it's more of a concern. Could be that he's not getting enough of the fatty hind milk since he prefers to 'snack' most of the day and that's what is making his poop green. Who knows.



But combining the short nursing sessions, the green poops, and now a drop in the weight percentiles? It still could be nothing, or it could be a sign that something isn't working. Mister man is 'only' 11lbs 12oz right now which puts him in the 19th percentile for his weight. I know those charts are sort of wonky and the doctor isn't too concerned. I know he has still gained over 3 pounds and 3 inches in his two months of life. But still! He was in the 80th percentile at birth so it's a pretty big drop. It makes me feel like my son must be starving himself in the name of wanting an immediate, constant flow of milk when he nurses. He is growing but it's really slow, and now my biggest baby at birth is my lightest at two months. Numbers play with my head, can you tell? It makes me question a lot of things. Really hate that growth chart right now.



Maybe he really isn't getting enough milk from me? I truly don't think it's a supply issue and must be more of a 'Porter issue' since I do have the milk when I pump. And I see it coming out of my boob!! But I'm totally doubting myself as a breastfeeding mama right now. Maybe I should totally cut things out of my diet? Maybe I should stop working out? Maybe I should stop stressing about this? ;) Porter is proving to be a challenging eater and I'm lucky enough that I haven't had one of those before. It's really no joke, as many of you probably already know.

So the doctor suggested that we just see how the next few weeks go with Porter getting bottles three days per week while I'm at work. Maybe that will be the key to getting more milk into the boy. Maybe his green poops will turn yellow, since the fatty milk will be in those bottles and he doesn't even have to be patient for it. OMG, so much pumping in my future!!



If nothing really changes with bottles and he still gains weight slowly that might just be 'him' and doesn't mean he is unhealthy. As long as he isn't actually losing weight, isn't super pissed all of the time, and doesn't seem to have anything else going on it's fine. The doc said he is 'incredibly low risk' for this being anything wrong with Porter, like if he can't process my milk correctly or something. Maybe he's destined to be my little peanut after all? He certainly doesn't LOOK malnourished or skinny to me.

(lololz at the privacy patch of his towel here. But needed to show you his rolls---all 19th percentile of them.)


Of course, maybe he will simply stop nursing all together once he gets used to the faster flow of the bottles. Yes, we use slow newborn nipples but it's not the same as mother nature's faster/slower flow. After a few sub-par nursing sessions today, I offered a breast milk bottle and both times he sucked them down. I'm starting to think that our nursing days are severely limited and I better get used to seeing his sweet face drinking from a bottle.

(but I love this view so much!)


It's not the end of the world. Lots of things could still happen. The doctor isn't concerned and Porter is a happy, seemingly healthy dude. But I just don't like the weight (no pun intended) of this whole thing. It's too early, WAY too early for my last baby to stop breastfeeding. And if he was my first baby, I'm sure I'd be totally freaking out even more. So at least I can hang onto a little bit of 'big picture' perspective with Porter as my third?

(also, GoGo flew back to Colorado yesterday so my mental state is SUPERB tonight!!!)


Nursing issues and worries aside....maternity leave has been amazing. Life at home with three kids is more chaotic than I could have ever imagined, but it's more awesome than I could have imagined, too. This maternity leave has been nothing like the peaceful days of Truman's, and even the semi-peaceful days of Cecelia's, but I've enjoyed my time home with Porter. I wish I had 12 more weeks home with him but alas, I do not. And so we will figure out our new normal and focus on the positive. Because there are so many wonderful things about our new normal of me working part time!



Sweet Porter, I love you more than words. I'm sorry our house is so incredibly loud and obnoxious, and that it's difficult to give you 100% of my attention with your big siblings competing for my time. But you still have it pretty good, buddy, because you have two siblings who love you to pieces. You have a mommy and daddy that think you are absolutely perfect and we regularly discuss how adorable you are. Don't let it go to your head just yet. We just want to eat you up while you are still so little and innocent, and before you turn into a toddler or a preschooler with your own set of....challenges;)







We are going to rock this 'working mom' thing, buddy. Lori is going to love having you at her house a few days per week. I hope you don't love those bottles more than my boob but I know we will figure out that whole mess, too. We can do it. We will settle into our new routine, and perhaps we will even surprise ourselves.



I've loved every single day of my maternity leave with you, bud. You are the perfect puzzle piece that completes our family. You have brought us even more joy into this already awesome life since the day you were born. These eleven weeks with you in my arms, instead of you being in my body, have been amazing. Hard, of course, but amazing. I'm so excited to see you grow into the Porter you will be someday. So much fun awaits!!

You really are the best little baby I could have asked for. Thank you for being you, Port.

(Fist pound. Let's do this thing).

xoxo
Mommy

Memaw gave me this framed picture for Christmas. I believe she has this print in her house because it already reminded me of her before she gifted it to me.



With it came a typed note to explain that when Truman hit his head on my parents' foosball table over Thanksgiving, she immediately thought about how someone must have been watching over my little boy during that incident. It still boggles my mind to think about how badly he could have been injured because I still hear the loud SMACK ringing in my ears months later. How did he not smash his eyeball, losing his vision? What about the bridge of his little nose? Or all of his front teeth? How is it possible that he fell 'perfectly' into the table and only got a small cut on the outside of his eye that didn't need stitches, along with a wicked shiner? I have to agree with Memaw on this one. An angel must have prevented a horrible injury in my parents' basement.

I don't know how you feel about God and faith and angels. Obviously all three of these concepts are fairly abstract and difficult to 'prove', which is why so many people can't accept them for reality. I'm not sure about a floating spirit with wings in the literal sense, but I do believe that there are times when we have God or something else very kind and loving watching out for us. Guiding us through dark times. Even though God doesn't stop all awful things from happening to us, I do believe he wants the best for us and has our backs in most cases.

This post wasn't supposed to be a debate about religion and angels, so I hope I didn't just open up the proverbial can of worms. But I wanted to tell you a story about Truman and his discovery of this picture Memaw gave to me.

On Good Friday, the kids were in my bedroom with me as I got dressed after a shower. Truman was running around the room like a mad man, as always and suddenly he noticed this picture sitting on the bottom shelf of my side table.

'Who is that, Mommy?' he asked me.

'Oh, that's a picture Memaw gave to me. It's an angel watching over a little boy and girl as they cross a bridge. I think the angel is protecting the kids while they are walking,' I replied, holding my breath that he wouldn't be too freaked out about the idea of a giant, winged person hovering over children. But he was shockingly silent for minutes. Let's remember that he is three and therefore he is NEVER silent for minutes. Heck, nothing holds his attention for longer than 1 minute so it was a pretty big deal to see him quietly staring at the picture. I wish I could have peeked into his little brain as the wheels were turning.

I asked him, 'Do you like that picture, buddy?'

'Yeah. I do. Can I take it with me into the hallway?' he wanted to know, because I told him I was moving into the bathroom next, to fix my hair.

'Sure you can, buddy,' I told him and I started getting a little choked up. My precious boy---who loves to push my buttons when the mood suits him---was really attached to this image of an angel watching over two children. There was just something kind of surreal and 'stop everything and pay attention' about that moment for me. Which is why I'm blogging about it now.

He ended up laying on the ground, looking at the picture even longer and then asked to move it into Cecelia's room with us. I didn't know what to ask him at this point but I hoped he would ask me his questions about it.

Next thing I knew, he pointed right at the angel and said, 'That's you, mommy.' (Heart melted). (Gulp).

I told him that I loved the idea of mommy watching over a little boy and girl, which could be Truman and Cecelia. One of each, holding hands and crossing the bridge together--venturing out on their own, or perhaps 'growing up' and becoming more independent. Moving away from constant care from their parents and out into the huge world before them. I mean, talk about some symbolism. Let's not focus on the fact that Truman said I looked angelic (and ghostly pale, and a little eerie, with enormous black eyebrows).

He seemed to like my explanation of these three characters, so I went on to say that any time I have to leave Truman I always think of him. Lately we've been talking about how we miss each other when we are apart. On our drive back home from Lori's he will usually tell me, 'I missed you today, mommy.' It's really amazing--my tender-hearted boy. I'd like to promise I can watch over him and protect him from anything scary but of course, but wouldn't we all wish for that superpower in this frightening world?

As a mom, I think that is the hardest part of parenting: knowing you cannot protect them from pain. They will have to make mistakes, have broken hearts, and have their innocence revoked at some point. Oh, it hurts my heart just to think of anyone being cruel to my kids. It makes me angry, actually, but it's also sad to think about bullies and peer pressure and having to navigate our society. I suppose that is all apart of growing up and our parents survived us going through each stage, and we will survive, too. All the more reason to savor their innocence now---even when Truman is being downright naughty, the whiny/needy stuff is still probably easier to tolerate than the heavy emotional fatigue that comes with parenting a middle-schooler/high-schooler and beyond. I'm tired as heck right now and parenting small kids is ridiculously hard; physically hard. But I can't even imagine the emotions that will come with parenting a teenager. And I won't even talk about parenting a teenage girl in this post---we'll keep it mostly about my son for now;)

I told Truman that God and maybe even angels are always with him and his sister even if mommy can't be right there. Then I told him that I love him more than he will ever know and I miss him when we are apart. I didn't tell him that I also crave my time alone in order to maintain my sanity. It's all about balance and on the days I feel well-balanced, I feel like I can conquer the world. Just wish those balanced days happened more often but I'll take those rare beauties any time they pop up.

Not only did Truman tell me I was the angel in the painting, but he is now also telling me (without being asked): "Mommy, you are my best friend." Sigh.

I don't think there is anything sweeter in the entire world than that statement right there. So I shall video tape it and watch it every night when he is 16 and hates his lame/overbearing/annoying/dorky mom. And I will probably cry in the corner, while watching my precious three year old say I'm his best friend. Because I kind of want to cry now just thinking about it. Let's hope he is a mama's boy forever and his future wife not only understands, but adores me. One can hope, right? ;)

Thank you God for this precious boy of mine. Help me to be patient with him. And help me create more time for myself so I can be a better mother to him when we are together. Thank you for those moments when the world stops and becomes very clear--remind me to slow down and appreciate them more often.

Clear the calendar for today, you have twenty-one days in their lives to read!

1. Non Sequitur Chica | Illinois


2. New From Alameda | Minnesota


3. Introduced You To It | Chengdu, China


4. Life As I Know It | Minnesota


5. Peanut Butter Sandwich | Wisconsin


6. Sweet Turtle Soup | Florida


7. LunaChick Runs | Wisconsin


8. Climbing Mama | Washington


9. Bach to Reality | Wisconsin


10. Live Inside my Bubble | Minnesota


11. Pep&Zest | Illinois


12. Piece of Our Life | Georgia


13. Cocktails and Carseats | Wisconsin


14. C'est Law Vie | California


15. A Gurley Gurl | Texas


16. The Mama Duck Blog | North Carolina


17. Elefantitas Alegres | Texas


18. Rae and Johnny | Canada


19. Payette Pigtails | Colorado


20. Just Another Day in Paradise | Kansas


21. Growing Up Maine | Maine


22. My Life in Transition | Wisconsin

Twenty-one posts for you to read today! Have fun!!

1. 3 V's | Missouri


2. Shafferland | Indiana



3. Jo Davis Photography | Minnesota


4. Introduced You To It | Chengdu, China


5. A Lady and Three Men | Georgia


6. Dinosaurs and Bunnies | Minnesota


7. Non Sequitur Chica | Illinois



8. Live Inside My Bubble | Minnesota


9. Bring 'Er to England | United Kingdom



10. Lisa Lisa Bo Bisa | Minnesota


11. A Gurley Gurl | Texas


12.  Piece of Our Life | Georgia


13. Our Paleo Family | North Carolina


14. Chasin' Mason | California


15. The Culinary Couple | New Jersey


16. A Messy Motherhood | Florida


17. Elefantitas Alegres | Texas



18. Ellie and Addie | Missouri


19. Just Jillian | Tennessee


20. Old Lady, No Baby | Oregon


21. A Graceful Disaster | Minnesota



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