Lets train

Memaw gave me this framed picture for Christmas. I believe she has this print in her house because it already reminded me of her before she gifted it to me.



With it came a typed note to explain that when Truman hit his head on my parents' foosball table over Thanksgiving, she immediately thought about how someone must have been watching over my little boy during that incident. It still boggles my mind to think about how badly he could have been injured because I still hear the loud SMACK ringing in my ears months later. How did he not smash his eyeball, losing his vision? What about the bridge of his little nose? Or all of his front teeth? How is it possible that he fell 'perfectly' into the table and only got a small cut on the outside of his eye that didn't need stitches, along with a wicked shiner? I have to agree with Memaw on this one. An angel must have prevented a horrible injury in my parents' basement.

I don't know how you feel about God and faith and angels. Obviously all three of these concepts are fairly abstract and difficult to 'prove', which is why so many people can't accept them for reality. I'm not sure about a floating spirit with wings in the literal sense, but I do believe that there are times when we have God or something else very kind and loving watching out for us. Guiding us through dark times. Even though God doesn't stop all awful things from happening to us, I do believe he wants the best for us and has our backs in most cases.

This post wasn't supposed to be a debate about religion and angels, so I hope I didn't just open up the proverbial can of worms. But I wanted to tell you a story about Truman and his discovery of this picture Memaw gave to me.

On Good Friday, the kids were in my bedroom with me as I got dressed after a shower. Truman was running around the room like a mad man, as always and suddenly he noticed this picture sitting on the bottom shelf of my side table.

'Who is that, Mommy?' he asked me.

'Oh, that's a picture Memaw gave to me. It's an angel watching over a little boy and girl as they cross a bridge. I think the angel is protecting the kids while they are walking,' I replied, holding my breath that he wouldn't be too freaked out about the idea of a giant, winged person hovering over children. But he was shockingly silent for minutes. Let's remember that he is three and therefore he is NEVER silent for minutes. Heck, nothing holds his attention for longer than 1 minute so it was a pretty big deal to see him quietly staring at the picture. I wish I could have peeked into his little brain as the wheels were turning.

I asked him, 'Do you like that picture, buddy?'

'Yeah. I do. Can I take it with me into the hallway?' he wanted to know, because I told him I was moving into the bathroom next, to fix my hair.

'Sure you can, buddy,' I told him and I started getting a little choked up. My precious boy---who loves to push my buttons when the mood suits him---was really attached to this image of an angel watching over two children. There was just something kind of surreal and 'stop everything and pay attention' about that moment for me. Which is why I'm blogging about it now.

He ended up laying on the ground, looking at the picture even longer and then asked to move it into Cecelia's room with us. I didn't know what to ask him at this point but I hoped he would ask me his questions about it.

Next thing I knew, he pointed right at the angel and said, 'That's you, mommy.' (Heart melted). (Gulp).

I told him that I loved the idea of mommy watching over a little boy and girl, which could be Truman and Cecelia. One of each, holding hands and crossing the bridge together--venturing out on their own, or perhaps 'growing up' and becoming more independent. Moving away from constant care from their parents and out into the huge world before them. I mean, talk about some symbolism. Let's not focus on the fact that Truman said I looked angelic (and ghostly pale, and a little eerie, with enormous black eyebrows).

He seemed to like my explanation of these three characters, so I went on to say that any time I have to leave Truman I always think of him. Lately we've been talking about how we miss each other when we are apart. On our drive back home from Lori's he will usually tell me, 'I missed you today, mommy.' It's really amazing--my tender-hearted boy. I'd like to promise I can watch over him and protect him from anything scary but of course, but wouldn't we all wish for that superpower in this frightening world?

As a mom, I think that is the hardest part of parenting: knowing you cannot protect them from pain. They will have to make mistakes, have broken hearts, and have their innocence revoked at some point. Oh, it hurts my heart just to think of anyone being cruel to my kids. It makes me angry, actually, but it's also sad to think about bullies and peer pressure and having to navigate our society. I suppose that is all apart of growing up and our parents survived us going through each stage, and we will survive, too. All the more reason to savor their innocence now---even when Truman is being downright naughty, the whiny/needy stuff is still probably easier to tolerate than the heavy emotional fatigue that comes with parenting a middle-schooler/high-schooler and beyond. I'm tired as heck right now and parenting small kids is ridiculously hard; physically hard. But I can't even imagine the emotions that will come with parenting a teenager. And I won't even talk about parenting a teenage girl in this post---we'll keep it mostly about my son for now;)

I told Truman that God and maybe even angels are always with him and his sister even if mommy can't be right there. Then I told him that I love him more than he will ever know and I miss him when we are apart. I didn't tell him that I also crave my time alone in order to maintain my sanity. It's all about balance and on the days I feel well-balanced, I feel like I can conquer the world. Just wish those balanced days happened more often but I'll take those rare beauties any time they pop up.

Not only did Truman tell me I was the angel in the painting, but he is now also telling me (without being asked): "Mommy, you are my best friend." Sigh.

I don't think there is anything sweeter in the entire world than that statement right there. So I shall video tape it and watch it every night when he is 16 and hates his lame/overbearing/annoying/dorky mom. And I will probably cry in the corner, while watching my precious three year old say I'm his best friend. Because I kind of want to cry now just thinking about it. Let's hope he is a mama's boy forever and his future wife not only understands, but adores me. One can hope, right? ;)

Thank you God for this precious boy of mine. Help me to be patient with him. And help me create more time for myself so I can be a better mother to him when we are together. Thank you for those moments when the world stops and becomes very clear--remind me to slow down and appreciate them more often.

Can I vent a little bit, please? It's been awhile since I whined to the internets and I need to get this off my chest.

This morning was one of 'those' mornings that really sucked. Nothing out of the norm, really, and some mornings have been even worse. But for whatever reason, this morning was just difficult on all fronts.

The kids went back to daycare today after being away for a week, since Lori was off for vacation days, so that in itself was a huge adjustment. I absolutely despise the hurried hustle and bustle of work day mornings---'Come on, Truman---we have to get dressed. Hurry up and eat your breakfast. We need to get going or we are going to be late. Please put on your coat/shoes/hat. And Cecelia, did you REALLY just poop your pants as we are walking out the door?! Ugh.'

Except she isn't pooping in her pants right now and is pretty backed up, making her extra cranky and disgruntled. AND I'm certain that her top teeth are hurting her more than ever, all swollen and seemingly ready to pop through the gums (finally). She is just not herself, she's tired, woke up three times last night (10:30, 1:00, and up for the day at 5:00) and she is NOT liking daycare drop offs. For about three weeks now she will literally lose.her.mind when we get to Lori's. Crying real tears within an instant of walking in the door, then looking at me like I'm abandoning her. It's so sad and I know it's just a phase but it's hard. I will hold her and calm her down but then when I have to go she cries again. Lori says Cecelia is fine by the time I pull away but it's still really difficult to see my baby upset before we are apart for 8 hours.

Also, it's freaking 7 degrees outside. Seven. I hate getting the kids bundled up to get out the door in the mornings. I much preferred the last week when we could just take our merry little time waking up, getting dressed, and starting our day without time restraints. I normally love my job but I haven't seen patients in five days and I'm just not feeling it today. I'm sure once I get going the day will fly by, my kids will be fine at daycare, and I will enjoy helping others. But right now, as I pump for the first of many times today, I am just in a funk. Don't even get me started on how much I hate this darn pump right now. Over it, and I know it's a good thing to keep my supply up, to allow me the ability to nurse. I wouldn't trade that part of it but the time commitment of pumping three times during the day, once before bed, washing pump parts and bottles, preparing milk----it's all so annoying to me now.

Have I unloaded on you enough yet?

I have to get started on my work day and don't have time to read this post for errors, or to lessen the whiny-ness. I have a feeling a lot of other mamas out there have mornings/days/weeks like this, too----when everything is just hard and annoying and tiring. I'm tired. I'm cold. I'm ready for spring and ready to sleep again.

But I do have really cute kids (who I will miss dearly today, I'm sure) and I have a great, flexible job that I enjoy. So that is how I'm going to tie up this downer post---searching for the positive. And with some cute pictures. (That you've probably already seen on IG but I like them enough to post here, too).













Come on, day. Let's get this thing started so I can see my babes again.

Much better now, thanks.

My Dearest Truman,

You are one year old today, mister man. I'm going to attempt to put my thoughts into words but I'm sure I could never fully capture my love for you just by hitting simple keys on a computer. The love I have for you makes my heart rise up into my throat, Truman, because I just can't believe how blessed I am to be your mom.

A year ago today you came tumbling into our world after a roller coaster ride of emotions at the hospital. It's the most ironic and paradoxical feeling to accept that you were born one whole year ago. 'Only' one year ago? Haven't you been here forever? And yet, wasn't it just yesterday that I was a massive pregnant lady ready to pop out a baby named Carlos? Where did the last year go? How can one year feel both incredibly long and impossibly short?

I remember the very first time I held you in my arms: all of my worries and insecurities melted away the second I stared down at your smooshy baby face. I cried tears of happiness and thanked God for giving you to us, for allowing me to be your mother, and for blessing you with your health. One thing that I've learned about myself since your existence is that I worry entirely too much, Truman. You have taught me to take a serious chill pill more times than I can remember and it started on day one of your life. Thank you for being such a laid back little dude.

The past year has been more magical than I could have ever predicted. Watching you grow and change before our very eyes has been my life's biggest blessing. You are full of personality, you are happy, goofy, healthy, and so darn cute that it hurts. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you've had a pretty fun year by your standards, too. Torturing poor Henry Dog, throwing numerous plastic toys on the ground, tasting all kinds of new foods, and playing with lots of friends and family are your favorite hobbies---what a life, mister man. It's definitely The Truman Show around here and you never fail to entertain.

When I think about my life before you were here I honestly wonder what filled my time, my thoughts, and my heart. It's incredibly cliche to say this, but you are the light of my life. I cannot imagine life without you as my baby boy, Truman. You've definitely challenged your dad and I in the past year but through those tough times we've become even tighter knit as a family. Seeing your dad interact with you has multiplied my love for him as well and our marriage is stronger than it was before parenthood. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm one big ball of love today as I reflect back on the past year together.

I've had moments when I am overcome with sadness and the feeling that this is all moving too fast for me to handle, and I just want you to stay little forever. But the more I think about those feelings I see that they are a waste of time and energy. I shouldn't mourn the loss of my newborn baby, Truman, because in his place is this new toddler-esque boy who is more loving, interactive, and hilarious than I thought possible. I'm not losing you with every day that passes, it's not a sad thing to have a birthday, it's not the 'end' of anything tangible, and I shouldn't feel the need to keep you from growing up. Instead, I'm choosing to embrace the intense joy I have as your mom in this very moment. I'm not going to dwell on the past and I'm not going to wish for the future milestones you are sure to hit sooner than later. I'm going to enjoy you for you, T. I hope you don't mind.

And so you are no longer zero years old, little buddy. You are a big one year old today and I want you to know that I love you more than anything. Thank you for being you, Truman. You are the best.

Happy Birthday, mister T. Here's to many more.

Love,
Mommy

I just need to vent, so hear me out. It's cold here. Very cold. It's been a grayish, whitish mess since.....oh.....about November. Depressing. Cold. Bitter winds. The whole Wisconsin bit. And the best part? It's only the beginning of January and I'm told February and March can be the worst months yet.


If you think I'm just whining for no reason, please check out the forecast for Saturday. That is the HIGH, folks. Look at the low if you dare. They have it grayed out because it's just too shocking for the system:

So to humor myself, I thought I'd check out St. Louis. It can't be THAT much warmer down there, right? Well apparently I'm a seasoned, haggard Wisconsinite because 16 sounds damn hot to me right now! I seriously thought, "Sixteen? I could get by with just a light pair of gloves for that weather."
I started to think, "If I could live anywhere in the US right now where would that be?" Duh, Phoenix of course. I love the heat. And I love 60 degree weather in the dead of winter. Look at this:
Why did I ever agree to living on the Canadian border? [TOTAL exaggeration, in case you aren't the best at geography. But sometimes it feels like Canada.]

Any cures for seasonal affective disorder besides the tanning bed? I mean, I am the palest thing I've ever been since giving up the "death ray" beds. But it helps me fit in up here and I need to make friends:) And I don't want to spend money on tanning. Plus, I quite like the "vampire" look, too.

Mister P has been with us for a whole week now, although it sort of seems like he's always been here. The first week deserves it's own post for sure, with so many changes and so much NEWNESS to report.



Sleep: Number one topic, obvi. I find myself wanting to gloss over this one in fear of jinxing things but alas, I should really fess up to having a baby that is currently sleeping well at night. The first night at home totally sucked, but since then I've had Porter in the MamaRoo in the family room, with me on the blow up mattress. I could totally take the swing upstairs to our bedroom to recreate the same set up, but I admit that I sort of love having the whole family room to ourselves. I have a little changing station on the ottoman, can nurse upright on the couch, and we are both sleeping great---so I don't want to mess with a good thing! Soon enough, I suppose.



Loves his paci, love that he can sort of self soothe with it already


So here are his sleep stats since we've been using the swing at night: Porter has been sleeping for a lot of 2-3 hour stretches, one 4 hour stretch and even one 5 hour stretch. This means he's waking up about twice each night to nurse and get a diaper change. Two times. That's it!! This is AWESOME in my book, although I know it can change as he wakes up more in the next few days/weeks. I will take it. He's awake for maybe 30 minutes total for the whole middle of the night change/nurse routine, but sometimes it does take up to an hour and he'll grunt around after, not falling asleep without a little fight. Again, I'll take it!! Keep it up, big man.



Nursing: Topic number two, since this and sleep are basically his favorite activities. Porter is a fabulous little breastfeeder and I feel very lucky to have three kids who've always latched well and have just gone to town. VERY lucky. I mentioned that my milk came in super early this time, around 24 hours, so days 2-4 were pretty awful with engorgement, some spitting up from Porter, and short nursing sessions on one side only. Now that the engorgement has died down, P is able to nurse from both sides a lot of the time, for about 10 minutes or so. Very efficient little guy. I'm just nursing on demand but it seems like he goes about 2-3 hours between feedings--sometimes more and sometimes less.

Milk drunk smiles = best thing ever.


Naps on mommy post-nursing = another favorite thing in my life.


Chicken legs!!


Love dressing him.


He had one HUGE projectile puke on Wednesday (day 6) after two very long nursing sessions, a stressful car ride, and riding in the swing as he tossed his (milk) cookies. Both Truman and Cecelia were totally freaked out by the loud SPLAT sound as he puked, and now both say that they hope he doesn't spit up like that again. Cecelia did this as a baby, but Truman wasn't a big spitter, so I hope Porter only let's loose occasionally and it doesn't become true reflux or anything.

Doc appointment update: Nate and I both took Porter to the Pediatrician appointment on Tuesday (day 5), and Tony stayed back with the big kids. Nate never gets to come to doctor's appointments but he wanted to see the Pediatrician this time since we didn't get to see ours in the hospital. This first appointment is usually done at one week for our doc, but they got us in early since the Ped was off the rest of the week. It's mostly just a weight check to see if Porter is eating well, and sure enough: P had gained 3 ounces since discharging from the hospital two days prior. At birth he was 8 lbs, 9 oz then discharged at 8 lbs, 2.5 oz (which is apparently a 4% loss, so the nurses were happy with that number), and was back up to 8 lbs 5 oz at the doc. I wonder if he's already past his birth weight now, since he was gaining at a faster rate earlier this week? The doc said gaining 1/2 oz to 1 oz per day is the goal and P gained 1.5 oz per day----over-acheiver already.

Everything seems healthy with the little guy, which again is SUCH a huge relief to hear. At just four days old during that appointment, he did look fairly yellow under the fluorescent lights of the office so they did a heel prick to check bilirubin levels. I wasn't too worried about it, since both of the other kids have always had a normal amount of jaundice that seems to peak before the one week mark. But it's nice to check and his level was good at 11.0 (normal is up to 12.0 and they don't treat until it reaches 20.0). Plus, once we were back outside in natural light and at home, I didn't think he looked quite as golden anyway. Porter hated the blood draw but he slept great after!




Sibling love: Truman and Cecelia need their own paragraph here, since this week has been a big adjustment for them, too! Overall I'm so stinking proud of my big kids for how they've handled the change of a new baby in the house. They did great with me at the hospital because my parents were here to entertain them, and now they've had Nate home with us on Tues/Thurs and went to Lori's on Wed/Fri. So keeping them in some form of a routine has been huge for us and having help from my parents, Nate, and Lori has also been important for how smoothly things have gone.

Cecelia has definitely had a few extra clingy/sad moments where she NEEDS me to hold her ASAP and cannot tolerate waiting for me to get her something. She wants nothing to do with Nate when he's home, and I hate when she goes through phases like this but there isn't much he can do to convince her that he's capable of filling up her sippy cup, too. I've had to carry her up and down the stairs a few times instead of my independent little lady demanding to do everything on her own. She cried her eyes out when Nate and I left for the Pediatrician's appointment on Tuesday but going to Lori's has been no big deal for her, which makes me feel better. I'm trying my best to involve CC in caring for Porter and she totally eats it up. Mostly she loves spreading out the diapers for me, grabbing the wipes, replacing his pacifier, washing it off after I tell her that it's too dirty for the baby, and turning on/off the swing. She also looooooves to hold him and I nearly died from cuteness with her newest phrase: 'It's okay, Porter. Don't cry. CC is here.' I MEAN, WHAT?? I got it on video and she will seriously say this over and over in the highest of pitches, whenever he gets fussy.

(nursery reveal coming soon---love this one of P looking at his little family, and big sis helping with a diaper change)


So many kisses.


Needed to borrow my nursing pads.


Gah, I love her.


Cecelia's one week post made me remember that I was already pumping daily with her, due to engorgement. I only pumped once this time around and now I don't feel like I need it, but maybe I should start relatively soon for that cherished freezer stash with the return to work. Sigh. She was waking ever 2-3 hours at night and pretty sleepy during the day. Sounds about right! And I forgot that my mom was with us for the first two weeks of CC's life---GoGo is coming back next week for her 2.5 week visit and we all cannot wait!

Truman will simply raise his hand in the air from across the room when CC says her classic phrase to Porter, and he will say, 'Truman's here, too, Porter!' He regularly informs me that he loves Porter and also offers to help with diaper changes, paci replacement, and swing functioning. He wants to hold the little guy a few times each day and seems adorably stressed anytime Porter makes the teeniest cry.  Our neighbors were walking by last night and called up to us, asking if they could see the baby. Truman yelled, 'He's right here, come and see!' because he's just so proud of Porter. T has also been totally exhausted this week and therefore a little more whiney at times, but nothing too awful and he seems to be adjusting really well so far.

Reading back over Truman's one week post made me smile. I guess he was waking 2-4 times per night which is maybe a little more than P, but these boys of mine are such freaking clones. I cannot get over it.


Not old yet. Still awesome.


These kids love their brother!


Hardest parts: If you think I'm blowing sunshine out of my butt with this update and no first week of newborn-hood goes this smoothly, I will straight up tell you that there have been some super challenging moments. For instance, Wednesday's car ride home from Lori's with all three kids was horrific. Porter was screaming so hard I thought he might throw up (he did later) because the kid really seems to have an intense hatred for his car seat already. Truman and Cecelia were scarred and kept asking me to please get him to stop crying, and obviously I couldn't do anything about it. Not fun. Then that night during my first evening of solo parenting three kids, there were a few times when T and C were fighting and Porter was crying. Totally stressful. All three were crying for various reasons a handful of times and I sort of just chuckled, like---Yep, this is one of those moments with three kids when I totally don't know what to do first. Cry along with them, attempt to soothe one at a time, or just grab a glass of wine (happened later that night, was amazing).

Trying to get organized to get all three kids out of the house is also no small task, just because I have to plan when I'll nurse P, change him, and whether or not he will be asleep and pissy about the car seat in X amount of minutes when I hope to leave the house.

Mostly I think that things are starting to settle into place and we are finding our groove as a family of five, and that in combination with still riding the high of his birth has us in a sweet spot for now. I'm very VERY aware that things will likely change by the day at this point, but really: so far so good!! Can't ask for more than that.

I find myself with such an appreciation of how quickly babies change with this third time around. The perspective we've gained with each child is key to feeling super laid back and yes, I'm a little bit 'blissed out' right now. Even when we had that wretched first night at home I didn't feel too down about it because, meh---it will eventually get better. I can enjoy the intense joys of this first week a little more and ignore the really hard stuff because it's all so temporary with a baby that is changing before our very eyes. Even Nate, who has always been a little worried about the adjustment to three (mostly because of the lack of sleep) agreed with me the other night. I felt overwhelmed with happiness and gave my husband a huge hug when he said, 'I love watching our three kids sleeping. They are so cute.' I told him, 'Thank you for letting me have three kids.' He laughed and said, 'I love it.'

Vindication;) Not that he WASN'T excited for Porter when I was pregnant, because he was. But he was just unsure how it would go and now that P is here, he's obviously over the moon for this kid. How can you not fall under the spell of this little angel face?

Some firsts for the first week:

First zoo trip as a family of five on Thursday, at 6 days old


First evening solo parenting three kids---baby wearing for the win


First time with all three kids in the van on Wednesday, at 5 days old


First family walk:


Lots of baby wearing already, I suppose!

It's time for the monthly posts to begin again! I am not going to do the onesie stickers this time, but I think I will still take a picture of her on the rocker plus one on her quilt . We'll see if I can keep up the two shots each month!




Um, how is my newborn baby one month old, you guys? Here we go again with this blog turning into 'OMG, time is going too fast and I love my kids and this is such a fun stage' blah blah blah. Except, having a one month old baby isn't truly 'fun' but it's still amazing. And really hard. And getting better by the day. But still hard. I think having a two year old makes me enjoy the newborn phase a little bit more because I know it really does go so fast. Soon enough she will be entertaining us with her toddler antics and we'll be chasing her around the house wondering where time has gone. But I also can't wait for the really fun stuff to start happening (ie purposeful smiles, a routine, good sleep, walking, talking, learning, etc) because Truman is proof that it's really so much fun to watch them enter each stage. It's quite the paradox to love this newborn stage but also yearn for more interactive days at the same time. Another lesson in taking things one day at a time....a lesson I have yet to master.

a comparison...

They look so much alike and yet, both are still different, too. Funny how that happens.

Let's talk about miss Cecelia now.

Snoozing abilities:
Cecelia is still going strong for her typical nighttime routine that she has literally had since week one. She will sleep at night for a 3-4 hour stretch at first, then after feeding she will make it another 2ish hours, which means I am waking up just twice a night to feed her. So basically we nurse at 10pm, then she wakes around 2 or 3 am, and then again around 4-5am. The alarm goes off at 6am and sometimes she will keep sleeping in the morning after that but other days she likes to get up and party with the whole family. Not so bad at all, but I'm not seeing her stretch these little sleeper sessions out at all. She's consistent with night time at least--but everything else is a guessing game for what to expect.

During the day, her naps are still all over the place. It's weird because some days I can see a pattern forming and other days it is literally the opposite schedule of what I thought. I used to think that CC liked to sleep most of the morning, then was up for about an hour or two in the mid afternoon, slept again and then was up and fussy all evening. But really? It changes every day. Sometimes she will only nap for 5 minute stretches over and over again all day long. One day she took a 4 hour nap at the same time as her brother (!!), only interrupted for about 5 minutes to nurse on one side. But no matter what, she really does prefer to be held or worn for all naps. Even a swing with swaddle and white noise doesn't seem to be a magic fix right now, although sometimes I do get her to nap outside of my arms for a decent amount of time. So yeah, basically I have no clue what to expect each day---a sleepy baby, an awake baby, happy or fussy. Ah, babies. Gotta love being in survival mode during these early weeks! Luckily I don't mind holding/wearing my girl all day long because stealing those cuddles is what keeps mama going. Cuddly little baby hugs are the best part of the newborn phase, if you ask me. It just makes it hard to pee when you have a baby in your arms or on your chest at all times.

Lady can pound some milk:
Yes, that is my title for Cecelia's nursing tendencies. She is usually eating every one and a half to two hours during the day and I offer both sides but sometimes she has enough after one. She just loves to nurse and usually does a good job with it. But she still likes to nurse for comfort in the evenings and would prefer that my milk doesn't actually enter her mouth during those times. Nursing for comfort is totally fine by me. But nursing and then crying and fussing whenever the milk actually comes in? Very stressful. Thank goodness it's not every day and only for a few hours in the evenings anyway--if she was always like that during the day, too, I'd really hate breastfeeding. My gut tells me that she is just overtired in the evenings and wants to use me as a human pacifier. And it's not even every evening so how in the heck am I supposed to diagnose her and 'fix' the problem? Oh. Maybe I'm not supposed to stress and try to fix whatever is bugging Cecelia? Interesting thought. :)

Since she despises all 'real' pacifiers I don't really have another feasible option for her to try other than my boob when she is rooting and looking to nurse. And so most evenings, when she is cluster feeding for comfort, she will over do it a bit and spit up and get a little cranky from too much milk. Or maybe she is just cranky anyway and the milk vomit is a side product of her evening fuss? Who knows. I think it's all normal but we now have four episodes of ridiculous amounts of puke on the books. Like, at least a cup of spit up each time and almost always this happens in the evenings after nursing. She doesn't cry about it and I think she's gaining weight well, so I try not to worry about it. But I will definitely talk to the pediatrician about it next week at our one month appointment. I'm thinking it's a sensitive gag reflex combined with too much milk at once since this usually happens in the evenings and not during the day or night. It's normal for babies to spit up, yes, and some are BIG TIME spitters but healthy....right?

Being fussy and tired in the evenings, not liking my milk during that time, and big-scary spit ups are obviously the three things that spark my MUST FIX IT gene. You couldn't tell that by reading this post at all, could you?

Also, we tried giving little lady her first bottle of breastmilk last week and it was an epic fail. She was screaming and gagging and making this awful face like we were trying to make her drink battery acid. I couldn't take it anymore and gave up that night, nursing her instead. So we tried again the next night with the same bottle because I will be damned if I have to dump out defrosted breastmilk! And that time she took a whopping one ounce out of the offered five ounces. Sigh. Really hoping she gets the hang of the bottle soon because it's stressing me out to think that she might have a hard time with them at daycare. And I cannot fathom dumping out more frozen milk because it's expired in the fridge after 24 hours. Come on baby girl---let's work on it this week, mmmkay? Not going to lie, though--I dread trying to work bottle feeding into our schedule. I hate having to find a good time to offer her a bottle, then heating it up, praying that she takes it from Nate, etc. It's just one more thing to deal with, you know? Kind of like finding the time to pump in the mornings--I totally dread it but always feel better once it's done. But I know these things must get done, so we'll do our best to work them into the hectic newborn days.

Epic fail


Little personality:
She's showing us what she likes and doesn't like each day, and I really do love this part of discovering a newborn. Still hates pacifiers, car seats, and being put down when asleep. Loves to be worn and held and cuddled. Loves moving in general--walking around outside, driving in the car (but not coming to a stop for more than 1 minute, the horror!!), and exploring different rooms of our house. Loves most music, especially DMB, and adores her expensive nursery glider. She really doesn't mind her baths anymore and I think she digs diaper changes, too. I have to label Cecelia as mostly content with a dash of Diva, with a capital 'D'. I mean, she is definitely a girl and I can see a big difference between her and what her brother was like at this age. Cecelia is much more dramatic and demanding and I have a feeling we might be in for it with this little girl. But then again, I am always shocked to read back over my Truman posts from his first month because I do not remember him fussing in the evenings, or spitting up, or hating his car seat and pacifier. And apparently all of that happened with him and I just don't recall, since I must wear rose-colored glasses. I really thought I was a mom who enjoyed the newborn phase and part of me still does, but part of me thinks it's a lot harder than I remember from the first time.

She had her first total freakout, meltdown, inconsolable evening the other night and it really shook my confidence as a mom. Now, granted, it was only 35 minutes of hysterical crying and not 3 hours or anything. But it was enough to have me in tears, my heart pounding, praying to God that this doesn't become the norm at night. Nothing I did would settle miss lady and I seriously tried everything. She finally fell asleep nursing and then later on she had another little episode for Nate. Want to know what finally settled her down for him (while I was doing bedtime with Truman)? Um, swaddling and a pacifier. What? I thought she hated both of those things but whatever works. Babies sure do keep you on your toes, huh? After these two crying fits (and after a big glass of wine for both Nate and I), we were discussing how helpless newborns can be. And I told Nate that Truman never cried like that and so I'm worried that Cecelia is going to be much more of a handful. Nate looked at me like I was crazy and said he vividly remembers walking in circles with Truman as he screamed hysterically in the nursery. I honestly cannot recall that ever happening---so maybe I will also forget about CC's hysterics. But maybe not, since I just wrote about it:)

The superficial:
Well first, her hair is still awesome and longer than it was at birth. I am obsessed with making her wear bows now, which isn't something I thought I'd do. But 'Hi, my name is Julia and I'm addicted to putting bows in my daughter's awesome hair.' Maybe I just embraced the bows because I am afraid she is getting a receding hair line. And if it all falls out on top resulting in a female-mullet I will cry, mourning the loss of her gorgeous signature locks. I sure do hope she can pull off a femullet/male patterned baldness like her brother did. And who knows, maybe it will still stay put---I think Truman's hair was mostly gone by this point anyway.

Exhibit A: The Hair



With all kinds of bows/headbands:




Do you think she has enough bows? Going to need another bow holder soon...


As a side note: Truman got his baby acne and cradle cap around 5 weeks. Hoping Cecelia doesn't follow in his footsteps for that one either. Balding, pimples and flaky skin = only things a newborn baby can handle without being totally pitiful. And really, they are still pretty pitiful most of the time, aren't they?

Her newborn onesies are getting way too tight and I can't really snap them over her diaper anymore. I'm still keeping her in mostly NB sizes though because I'm not ready to pack them away--and a separate top with bottoms are fine. It's just the length of the one-pieces that are too small right now. She has worn some of her 3 month clothes and they fit much better in length and shockingly aren't too baggy in the width either. Can't believe she is outgrowing her first set of clothes already but I'm already really excited to get her into more of the adorable 0-3 month outfits I have ready for little miss. Dressing Cecelia each morning is seriously one of the highlights of my day---and actually, I still thoroughly enjoy picking out Truman's outfits, too. The day my kids won't let me dress them anymore is a day I will melt into a sobbing mess. For real. Maybe then I'll have to care about my own wardrobe at that point...

I weighed myself and then weighed me holding her the other day and I think she is about 9.5 pounds already. Insane. Truman was 10 pounds 3 oz at one month but he looked a LOT fatter in pictures, so we'll see what Cecelia actually posts at her appointment. If she IS close to 10 pounds I will be super pumped though because then we can start her in our Bum Genius cloth diapers---paying for disposables during this time when she uses a TON of diapers each day is ridiculously expensive! And I want to see her fluffy cloth diaper butt in outfits ASAP:)

CC has flashed a few smiles at us already, which prompted me to google 'when do infants start smiling'. Because really? Smiling at 3 weeks when not asleep or actively pooping? They really don't seem to be 'just gas' but then again, it's only happened a handful of times. Thankfully I have caught a few on camera to prove that I'm not crazy. I'm definitely excited for her smiles to be more consistent and actually because she is happy, though. I have a feeling her grin is going to be out of this world, you guys. Cue the crazy parents making googly eyed faces at the baby, willing her to smile so hard that said parents pop a blood vessel from high pitched voices. Yep, that is me and Nate right now. And I'm sure we are already embarrassing CC like the dorky parents we are.

See? I don't lie.





(and it wasn't just that one day, although that is the only day I got really good smiles on camera.)

How mama is doing:
Because really, this blog may be about my kids now but I still like to be a little selfish at times, you know? :)

I am still riding out the highs and lows of mothering a newborn and a toddler. It's just so odd to me that the high moments can be followed closely behind with a low moment in a matter of minutes! Within the same day! And really, I feel the most anxious and sad in the evenings when CC is having her fussy time and Truman is overtired and whining and we are ALL just so tired. So I guess if you look at the grand scheme of things, having a hard 4 hours out of a 24 hour period isn't so bad. But those 4 hours are enough to tarnish the good 20 hours, you know?

I love having two kids and would not trade it for the world, even with the rough evenings around here. I've had about three times in the past month where I just stare down at Cecelia and cry happy tears, thanking God for such a blessing in our lives. Most of the time those happy cries happen when we are listening to music together---something about familiar song lyrics always get me. One night after a challenging few hours of trying to get both of our kids to sleep, Nate gave me a big hug and said, 'Thank you for being such a great mommy. To both of our kids.' I almost lost it then, too, because I REALLY needed to hear that from him.

And Truman? He still loves his sister to death. He will ask to hold her, he will share his toys with her and will force her to look at his temporary tattoos as he teaches her all about Thomas and Friends:) My favorite quote of his lately? 'Hi baby! Big brother is here!' I die. He really has not shown any jealousy or acting out even now that the newness has definitely worn off. The only real difference I can see in him is that he is fighting his bedtime like a champ right now, which of course makes those wonderful fussy evenings even better when both kids are freaking out. But that might not be due to Cecelia and maybe it's just a phase Truman is going through? He's still a happy, wonderful kid though---one who loves being a big brother. I'm so thankful he can entertain himself a bit now while I tend to Cecelia.

Real pictures from last week ...

Demanding to hold the baby, then 'booping' her nose with his finger:)


Looks so much like her brother here!


Sharing trains. She looks thrilled.


Our kids


Ruffle butt does tummy time


I just love this face


super baby!


tummy time on daddy is a group effort. She loves it, obvi!


So big!


Instagram/iPhone time! And in case you don't read my comments from other posts, I shared that my new user name that is safe for the internets is mrsjuliagoolia. Come find me! And then maybe I won't have to post all of these pictures here AND there, each week.

I got her hospital shadow box finished!



How many pacifiers will I try before I give up? Cause all of these babies aren't working, my friends. (except for that one time with Nate but whatever)


Epic trip to Target, first time going with two kids alone. Also the first time we made it in and out in just 10 minutes, only spending $35. Take that, Target gods!


Hi. We like pink and white.


My family on a Sunday morning. Heart exploding.


That day she slept for 4 hours. With her own take on boppy sleeping


Never ever want to forget these early nursing days