Lets train

Last weekend we loaded the kids in the car and went road tripping.

Someday we want to buy a few acres of beautiful Texas land, and we drove out to visit two potential plots of land. Johnny and I were pumped to go exploring, and the kids were happy to see horses on one of the properties. The funny part about this adventure to see land is that we don't even have enough money saved up to buy property yet. Actually buying land is a few years off into our future, but we couldn't resist visiting some land.

So why were we so excited to waste a Saturday morning and some gasoline for a goal that is years in the distance?

It fuels our hopes and dreams!

Think back to the days that you were dating your spouse. Do you remember laying on the couch talking about all the vacations you would someday take, all the hobbies you wanted to learn, and all the names you could give your kids? You probably learned a lot about each other as you discussed those hopes and dreams together.

Talking about those hopes and dreams strengthened your relationship then, and it will keep you close now.

As we drove through the beautiful Texas countryside, we talked about the magical piece of land we'll buy someday. We imagined the vegetable garden, Johnny's massive garage and workshop, my space for flower beds, the random cow walking around, and the design of a chicken coop. We talked about our dream house plans and the pond we would dig somewhere on the property for swimming.

Will we ever reach those goals? I hope so!

But the point is, we had a blast talking.

We know what is important to each other. We know what success means in each others' perspectives. We want to reach those goals together, and talking about a future together means we're not planning to fail. We're in this marriage for the long haul, and we are excited for our future together - dream house or not.

So make a date with your spouse, and keep it simple.

Just like when you were dating, open up and talk!

Discuss hopes and dreams and vacations and retirement and grandkids and hobbies and fears.

Relish that time together, and keep your connection strong.

And then repeat regularly.

As I read, her words hit close to home for me personally. If I was to ever write a book about marriage counseling, it would be almost identical to this book. As I read, it was as if Poleman articulately took the words out of my mind and put them into print. But where I can be somewhat scatterbrained, she eloquently flowed from topic to topic in an endearing and insightful manner.

I delighted in how she explains the importance of selfless service in a marriage. Just recently I sat in a marriage counseling session and listened as each spouse described feeling unappreciated for the work they do around the house. I recalled Poleman's words, and I tried to shift the conversation towards expressing gratitude for what service is done and expressing needs to your partner. Poleman's discussion of service in a healthy marriage inspired me to begin spreading the #servingmyspouse, which I wrote about here.

With lighthearted humor and a willingness to share her successes and mistakes, Poleman shines light on true joys of a healthy relationship. She describes how she has improved her communication with her husband; she discusses the lessons she has learned from friends and family with varied marriage experience. As the subtitle of the book projects, she explains how simple actions, such as sending a loving text message, can have profound power to keep a marriage strong. She writes, "It may seem simple, but this kind of little connection is more fuel for your fire" (p. 54). She quotes Dr. Gottman who advises, “Real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected [than anything big and flashy like a fancy vacation for two] (p.54).

Another large portion of her writing is dedicated to improving communication patterns between spouses. As a counselor, I appreciated her explanations of how body language, tone of voice, word choice, and listening skills can enhance or deteriorate a marriage. Many recollections of marriage counseling sessions with struggling spouses flashed through my memory as I read. Oh, how those fighting couples would have benefited from reading her book in conjunction with our professional counseling sessions! I have also written a bit on problem solving communication here.

At the end of each chapter she suggests "Two Minute Action Steps" which reinforce the theme of each chapter. These simple exercises, if completed, help a couple establish or enhance positive habits. From communication tips to service ideas to sexual intimacy, these two minute action steps help a couple become closer one small step at a time. I like to remind couples in marriage counseling that their actions are reciprocal. If one spouse starts to act positively, eventually the other spouse will change as well. If one spouse reads this book and starts to incorporate Poleman's actions steps, the other spouse will likely notice the positive change and reciprocate love back.

I wholeheartedly recommend Two-Minute Marriage Project to anyone desiring a boost in their relationship. Poleman authored a winning book full of wise insights, professional references, and action-oriented improvements, all in an easy to comprehend writing style.

Find her book at Familius or on Amazon. I hope you enjoy reading this book as much as I did.