Lets train

Whether that relationship be with your spouse, your children, your parents, or friends; whether the negative patterns be selfishness, greed, physical violence, neglect, lying, or yelling, the result will be the same. If you establish a pattern of behavior that does not bring you closer to those loved ones, you will eventually drift away. No matter how small the wedge, if you choose to allow it form your patterns of behavior, over time the wedge will weaken your relationships until something seemingly simple, like a forgotten load of laundry, becomes the catalyst for divorce.

-lying to your spouse about money you have spent, no matter how small the price tag

-minimally communicating with family members in order to focus social media or video games

Don't allow negative patterns of behavior to come between your relationships with loved ones. If wedges are unfortunately in place, know that compassion and love can remove a wedge from any heart. 

Choose to allow forgiveness and compassion to replace a wedge that is hurting your relationships.

You know the feeling.

That pit in your stomach when you realize you said something wrong.

That "thing" you weren't supposed to mention, or that "sore spot" that you forgot about.

Intentional or not, we've all said something to a friend that was not helpful.

With some people, the situation goes away easily. No one takes offense, and the matter is laughed away. Sometimes our compassionate friends know that we didn't mean to hurt them, and because they recognize the look of terror on our faces, they forgive us without a word. Other times, the tension simply goes away after a couple days, and things return to normal. I am grateful for friendships that fall into each of these categories. Sometimes I simply don't think before I speak, and I'm glad I have been forgiven!

However, other times my careless words have been misunderstood. Maybe she didn't recognize the movie I was quoting. Maybe she didn't hear my entire sentence, and so I sounded mean. Either way, I have said the wrong thing to people who have not given me the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, friendships were damaged, and some of those friendships have not been repairable. Occasionally I wish that I could go back and change those conversations, but over the years I've learned that if people want to be offended then they'll find a way to be offended. If people want to think that you are a decent human being, they'll give you the benefit of the doubt when you make a mistake.

When you inevitably make a mistake and offend a friend, you must apologize. Even if the offense happened with one of your best friends who forgave you the moment you said it, at least acknowledge that you goofed. 

Apologizing to "other people" can be more difficult.

The people who are on that precipice between acquaintance and friend. You know, the people that may not give you the benefit of the doubt. The people whom you want a friendship with (because they are co-workers, in-laws, or your husband's friends' wives) but with whom the bond doesn't come naturally.

Yet apologizing to these "fruaintances" (he he, like my made-up word?) is vital!

These are the people you see on a frequent basis, and they play a role in your happiness and comfortability during office parties, birthday celebrations, family reunions, and Superbowl games. If your words (whether misunderstood or not) seem to offend someone, make it a priority to apologize. Tension can divide groups; tension can burn bridges; and tension can evolve into rumors, backbiting, and gossip. None of which are desirable for a "fruaintance" relationship. Instead of crossing the offended person off your friend list and avoiding them like a plague, simply apologize.

An apology does not need to be some inflated message. Only take responsibility for what you genuinely feel guilty about saying or doing. It is okay to acknowledge that tension exists without apologizing for every aspect of blame. Keep your apology genuine and your words respectful. Let your spouse or another calm adult read your apology to help you filter out any tension-evoking phrases.

Do not apologize that the person “feels” a certain way. The common statement, "I'm sorry you feel angry," is not an apology. It is actually kind of a mockery. He or she is allowed to have feelings. Instead, apologize for your own behavior. Also, do not use an apology as a way to justify your behavior. Sending a note that further explains why "you are right, and they are wrong" is unhelpful and rude.

If you do not feel like you were in the wrong, but someone took offense, it is appropriate to address the situation. Acknowledge that he or she looked upset, and describe your behavior's intention. Even if you don't apologize, the person will feel validated, and the relationship can recover. A difference of opinion does not have to be a deal breaker for "fruaintances."

Have courage, apologize, and be kind.

"When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it," writes Stephen R. Covey. If you need to repair a relationship, show kindness. Respect their feelings, and be honest about your feelings. Show mercy and forgiveness, and apologize frequently. The world could use a little more kindness.

I read a fantastic article about marriage expectations lately. You can see it here.

In the article, the author describes the importance of understanding how your expectations affect your perception of the relationship. I've pondered his words frequently since then, and I've reflected on the spouses I've helped in couples counseling sessions. He describes "unmet expectations" as the silent killer of relationships, and so I would prescribe that the antidote is healthy communication.

It's not simply talking that keeps a marriage strong - a couple needs healthy communication.

What's the difference?

Look at these two examples:

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Example One:

A wife texts her husband at work. "I can't believe you left the milk out of the fridge this morning. The milk was gross, and breakfast with the kids was a nightmare. You have some apologizing to do when you get home."

Feeling a bit defensive, the husband texts back, "I was tired because I'm the one that showered off Bobby after he peed the bed at 3am. I can't get any appreciation. Next time I'll just stay in bed, and then I won't be rushing to work and forgetting about the stupid milk."

Even angrier now, the wife texts back, "Oh you poor man, your sleep got disrupted. I deal with the kids every single night."

Frustrated, the husband texts back, "Babe, I'm at work. Leave me alone."

Example Two:

A wife texts her husband at work, "Morning routine was a disaster today. Can you call me at lunchtime?"

At lunchtime, the husband calls and asks about the morning problems. She explains about the finding warm milk on the counter, the kids' refusal to eat their cereal, and almost being late to school. The husband apologizes for leaving the milk out and creating havoc that morning. He explains that he must have been rushing because he overslept. He wanted to help out when Bobby peed the bed, and then he had a hard time falling back to sleep afterwards. The wife expresses appreciation for the nighttime help, and they both chalk up the morning disaster to "one of those days." The husband thanks his wife for managing the kids, and he promises to be more attentive in the mornings.

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Okay, hopefully I made those differences obvious.

What did you notice?

First off, the communication avenue was different. Texting is not the same as talking. Over text message, you cannot hear tone of voice or sense emotion. You'll assume the other person's intent based on your own feelings at the time. Difficult conversations need to happen in person, or at least over the phone.

Secondly, did you notice the pattern of blame in the first example? I've written more about the dangers of the "blame game" in a previous post. Instead of passing blame in the second example, however, the couple talked about how to keep the problem from happening again, including a healthy dose of humor and gratitude. It was simply an accident - not a battle of "you always" or "you never."

Finally, I imagine the couple in the second example listened more than they defended their position. Since they were not fighting over who was the winner or loser of the situation, they could listen effectively. The listening led to empathy; empathy led to gratitude being expressed and comfort being provided. Awesome, right? Who knew that spoiled milk could lead to a happier relationship!

Expecting one thing from our spouses, and receiving another, can be frustrating. If those unmet expectations are continually swept under the rug, then someday they'll explode. It's important that couples take the time to discuss their grievances with each other - in a healthy way.

How can you keep those conversations helpful?
-Make sure each person has eaten and rested. Avoid the human weaknesses of "hangry" and sleepy.
-Take time to calm down if the issue is emotional charged.
-Offer a heads-up to the other person that you'd like to discuss something important later.
-Don't vent to all your family and friends before you solve the problem with your spouse.
-Give the conversation plenty of time; don't rush.
-Don't go looking for a fight or to prove a point. Work on solving the problem, not winning the argument. Hopefully these conversations are not arguments!

These conversations will be helpful as each spouse matures beyond the "blame game" into a sincere conversation about wants and needs. Each person needs to be willing to give and serve, as well. It is easier for a spouse to serve and care for the other if s/he knows what is expected of them.

Good luck in all your spousal conversations!