Showing posts with label from. Show all posts
Showing posts with label from. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Moms Make it Work Kim from Illinois
Today we have Kim from NewlyWoodwards posting about her recent transition from working full time to staying home full time with adorable Henry. I was looking forward to hearing her thoughts on this big change and her post did not disappoint. Love peeking into her new life and how she makes it work. Enjoy!
When Julia asked me if I wanted to be part of this series, I had a moment. You know, the one where I wondered if I could actually fool anyone who reads My Life in Transition into thinking that I have it all together.
I mean, most days, I'm not even sure that I "make it work."
But I think the beauty of this series is that every mom may do things differently and see things differently, but we can also support each other in all the differences and similarities. I've so enjoyed reading through the other contributors. I'm truly inspired by hearing the stories of other families and moms.
Anyhow, I guess this is all just to say that I'm truly flattered to be a part of such a wonderful community of women - and happy to have met Julia through blogging.
As far as introductions go - I'm Kim and I have been blogging at NewlyWoodwards since 2008. I also overshare on Instagram as NewlyWoodwards, if you are so inclined to follow along with photos of ... my kid. (Because let's be honest, there's little else going on around those parts.)
Our blog began as a way to share our first home renovation - a foreclosure purchased in 2007. My husband Ryan is a true do-it-yourselfer. He's tackled just about every type of home project on his own. I mostly just come up with big ideas, get in the way, and paint.
Since that first renovation, we've added three rental properties to our "arsenal" and renovated a second foreclosed home. We moved into the house just weeks before I got pregnant with our son Henry.
With that out of the background out of the way, I'll answer some of Julia's questions from my perspective.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?
For about five years before having Henry, I was "living the dream." I had an enviable job working for a financial services organization in corporate public relations. I really enjoyed the work - mainly focused on events, sponsorships and social media. It was pretty much the job I dreamed of landing when I graduated from college in 2006.Not to say that it was always perfect. It was a very traditional work environment and sometimes that didn't fit my personality. And, like any job for a larger company, sometimes the politics made me crazy. Does anyone love red tape? But I really liked the work, thrived in my role, and appreciated the benefits and work environment on most days. I was able to go back to school to earn my MBA with support from my employer. I was able to build a great network of other professionals.
When we found out I was pregnant, Ryan and I both assumed that I'd continue working after Henry was born. I had a fairly easy pregnancy and - with the exception of sometimes wanting to pull a "George Costanza" and nap under the desk - I actually enjoyed working through the 9 months I carried Henry. (Not to mention the fact that being pregnant makes people extra nice. I think that working while pregnant is a good way to get extra coddled. No one wants you to go into labor in a budget meeting. AMIRIGHT?)
I decided to take 10 weeks maternity leave. Then when Henry appeared four weeks early, I dove into motherhood. I didn't think of anything but boobs and diapers and carriers and bedtimes for the first few weeks. And then I came out of the fog and truly enjoyed those remaining time with Henry. It was summer in the Midwest, I was a mom, and life was good.
In short, I truly relished my time at home. And I wasn't ready to go back. I briefly toyed with the idea of staying home permanently. But, it was more fantasy than reality and I couldn't really see myself doing it. I liked having a career for a lot of reasons. So, I put on the pantyhose and heels (for real!) and headed back to work in August.
At first, I was okay with it. Henry was with my mom during the day for the first few months and I enjoyed getting back into projects and meetings and reports. I felt productive at my job. I was proud that I was a working mom. I reveled in it. Henry transitioned into a great in-home daycare and was treated like a king there. He was the youngest and the kids and provider were a dream come true. (They all called him Baby Henry which just melted my heart.)
But as Henry started to get older and hit those milestones - eating, sitting up, standing, crawling, walking - I started to feel something. Guilt. And heaviness. It crept in. I always had a bit of it, but by this point I dreaded hearing what Henry did while I was at work. What I was missing.
I think it really peaked when I stopped pumping at work. Subconciously, spending time pumping made me feel connected with my baby. When he transitioned away from breast milk, I felt distanced. Almost unnecessary.
At the same time, my work load was increasing and I was feeling more and more stressed. I didn't enjoy the work anymore. I dreaded Mondays. I had a pit in my stomach when I hit those elevators each morning. I had to paste a smile on my face many days. And I knew that my family was getting the worst of me. For the three precious hours that I was with Henry, I was stressed and on-edge. I felt like we were in a never-ending cycle of home-dinner-bath-bed. And it wasn't a happy cycle.
I spent months fretting and stressing about the "right" thing to do. There were a lot of tears. I wasn't sure I was ready to give up my career. What if I quit my job and regretted it? What if I could never get hired again?
But I told myself I'd give it until August - a year after my maternity leave ended. There were a couple of important milestones in August - a work trip to Boston that I was looking forward to and becoming fully-vested in my retirement accounts. And when I hit that point, I felt the weight lift. It was clear that I was no longer happy. And I couldn't live with being unhappy. Ryan and I talked a lot about what leaving my job would mean and agreed it was the best decision for the entire family.
So, a bundle of nerves, I resigned. I gave 7 weeks notice, which I hoped would be enough to wrap up loose ends and possibly train a replacement. I felt so relieved, I could have cried. My boss was overwhelmingly supportive of my decision and my coworkers understood. It was a respectful parting of ways.
Since I left my office job in October 2013, I've realized that staying home was exactly the right decision for us right now.
Now, I spend my days with Henry and enjoy it more than I ever imagined. I also have the flexibility to get involved in the community in different ways. Right now, I'm leading the marketing team of the local Dress for Success affiliate, teaching a few classes at a local community college and doing some freelance newsletter writing for a local client. I feel really lucky to be able to continue to take on projects in my field while spending more time with my son.
I wrote in my resignation letter that while I was thankful for the opportunities given to me in my "dream job," it just wasn't a dream for me right now. And that was totally true. It wasn't easy for me to give up a job that I "should have" loved, but now I feel like I'm living the dream again.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
I think the best change in our lives is evident in our mornings. I love mornings now.
This is saying a lot because I used to dread mornings. Ryan goes to work at 5 or 6 a.m., so when I was working at an office I was on my own with Henry in the morning. I tried to get ready before Henry woke up, which was rarely successful because he could hear me. If he did wake up, I'd try to rush to finish my makeup, hair and clothes to get him before he lost it. Or I'd try to hold him while I finished getting ready. Neither were fun. Then, I'd rush to get him fed and rush to get him to daycare and rush to get to work.
By the time I made it to work, I already felt on edge. Even on a "successful" morning, I felt tense.
What I love about being home is that we can ease into our day. I still try to get up before Henry, but neither of us are in a rush. (And Henry is sleeping more soundly, thank goodness.) I can give him a bath in the morning, which feels less rushed than it did in the evenings. We can play and eat breakfast and relax. No rushing. That's my favorite part.
But mostly, I just love the flexibility to do whatever we want to do. We both seem to do better when we leave the house, so we hit the library or museum or store most days. But, there's no pressure and ultimate flexibility to make our days our own. We were able to go to visit my parents in Arizona for almost two weeks in November. This was something that never would have worked when I was limited to XX vacation days.
On the other hand, there are a few challenges to our new situation. Some we anticipated and some were surprises. I'm still getting used to the freedom. I think I may have been more productive when I was working. I "had" to get everything done. Now, I find myself putting things off, because "there's always tomorrow." I have to push myself to complete projects and tasks now. And because my life is no longer dictated by things like deadlines (for the most part), sometimes I feel very unproductive. For someone who's used to nothing more than checking things off the list, that's a hard pill to swallow.
It also probably goes without saying that it's a big adjustment to go from two full-time incomes to one full-time income. I think it adds a bit of pressure to Ryan and a bit of insecurity to me. Nothing insurmountable, but something that requires more budgeting than I'm accustomed to. (I'm not spending much time shopping anymore.)
I also have a difficult time asking for help, which is a challenge. I feel like I "should" do it all since I'm not working outside the home. But I'm slowly learning that everyone needs a little help. A friend and I recently started swapping mornings so we could run errands or do some computer work without a toddler in-tow. It's been great for my sanity.
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
I definitely expected to be a career woman, so staying home with my son was way out of my realm. I also believed that I would never fill my living room with plastic toys. But, I also don't think I had any idea how much joy this little ham would bring me. So, I call it even.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
I love being home and don't see myself going back to a traditional office job. I would eventually like to do a bit more freelance work if it works out. I like the flexibility to work at my own pace in my own way and I like the freedom to choose how much work to do. And I really like the idea of working for myself. We'll see what happens.
Tips on how you make this work for you?
I'm still pretty new to being home with my son and I definitely don't have all the answers. But here are a few things that work for us.
Get out.
This winter has been miserable in the Midwest with snow and cold and yuck. But, since Henry and I both thrive when we are "going," I make it a point to get out of the house almost every day. I know that this isn't ideal for everyone, but it's great for us. It helps us beat the monotony and meet new people.
Ask for help.
If other moms are like me, they feel like they should do it all. They should have a tidy house, home-cooked dinner, perfect kid .... the list goes on. I've already had to learn that I can't do it all and I am allowed to ask for help. From friends, from family and, especially, from my husband. I got really lucky in the husband department.
Be honest.
I feel really lucky to be at home with Henry, but some days are hard. I don't want to create a picture of this perfect, unicorn life. So, I try to share some of the challenges, too - in person and on social media.
Be a mom - but be a wife, friend and person, too.
In my experience, it can be easy to get sucked up into your child's every breath as a mom (in any working situation). For me, having a life outside of Henry is really important. Ryan and I try to make time to go on dates. I am involved in a book club and craft night every month. I get coffee and dinner with girl friends. And I try to spend time with the hobbies that I loved before Henry. These things keep me a little more grounded as a mom.
How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role?
I've been surprised that the mommy guilt didn't go away when I left my office job. It's just changed to be guilt about different things.
I don't think that I really have an answer for dealing with mommy guilt. I truly believe it's innate. But I try to focus on my family and my kid. I am a firm believer in the idea of parents knowing their kid better than anyone else. So, I let myself make the decisions for Henry and our family without fear of messing up. And I remind myself that I am doing my best and loving like crazy. I believe that counts for a lot.
Even when your kid accidentally gets a bite of jalapeño right before a family photo. Hypothetically. ("What kind of mother lets her kid eat a pepper?" says my mom guilt.)
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?
I worked outside the home for a year before I decided to stay home, so I guess my main piece of advice would be to trust your gut. I believed it was best for me to go back to work when Henry was 10 weeks old. And he really did well and thrived for a year in daycare. And then I chose to stay home when Henry was about a year and a half. And I think that's the best thing for him and I right now. I really trusted myself to make the right decision.
But that doesn't mean that any decision is forever. I was very dramatic about leaving my job. But the truth is, I could go back to work tomorrow if I wanted to. It wouldn't necessarily be the same job or the same pay or benefits. But I could work again. I recommend not doing what I do and remembering that this doesn't have to be a permanent decision either way.
(read all of the posts in this Moms Make it Work series here!)
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
a little break from the baby posts
Whew, let's move on for a second, shall we? A little miscellany will do, in 'real time' none the less.
1. Do you guys ever watch Conan O'Brien's 'What if they mated?' segment? Well, Nate gets easily distracted when he takes my weekly belly shots. Last week he was on a mission to get the best cross eyed face ever on camera. He was so proud of himself, you guys. And of course, not to be outdone, I had to try my own cross eyes. But looking at these pictures I just keep thinking, "Are these two really going to be parents?"
Do you think our kid will be cute?
2. When we were down in St. Louis last weekend, Maggie bought the baby his/her first gift. I am totally obsessed. In fact, it almost made me cry. It's so tiny and perfect and I CANNOT WAIT to have a little human being sporting this thing when we go on long jogs together.
3. Oh yeah, remember how I was in a wedding last weekend? Well, I took about 200 pictures and will show you a few here. Lindsey was a STUNNING bride. She was fairly calm the whole time until we were in the limo on the way to the church. Then she was slightly nervous but of course, us bridesmaids did our best to keep her sane. It was unseasonable cool weather for August and simply gorgeous outside. I could go on, but let's just look at pretty pictures.
Her hair was amazing.
This is my favorite pic from the day. Very 'Linds'.
Isn't her dress gorgeous? And her lace veil (I'm partial, since mine was similar) was her mom's actual veil from 30 years ago. LOVE.
Me and the bride. I will not comment on how huge my boobs look in this picture. I have never filled out a strapless dress before, you guys.
They were married at College Church, St. Francis Xavier---the gorge church on SLU's campus, where we all met in school. Nate took this picture and it's pretty amazing, eh?
Our flowers were fab.
Kim was present in spirit and with her paper head again. Do you see her in this picture, poking out from behind me?
Me and the hubs. It's hard to get a picture with us both in it since a lot of folks are a little frightened of our beastly camera, but I really like this one.
And finally, the last of the Fab Five is married. I've successfully managed to get a picture of the five of us at every single wedding. Thinking of making all of them into a frame of sorts because I just can't get over how 'adult-like' we are now! One of us is living in South Korea, two of us are pregnant, and the other two are newlyweds. So weird. Love these girls.
So that's that. Life outside of belly pics. Hope everyone is enjoying this frigid cold weather in AUGUST as much as me. :)
Friday, July 7, 2017
Newtown 1 Year Later A Guest Post from a Sandy Hook Mom
Many of you who have been reading my blog since last December know that my friend Laura lives in Newtown, Connecticut.
I have never met Laura in real life. We have mutual friends, and started reading one anothers blogs in 2009. In fact, when I opened my Etsy shop in Fall of 2009, Laura was one of my first Etsy customers and I designed her family Christmas card that year (and have also made a couple more of her beautiful family since she first ordered from me in 2009).
Her 2 youngest children attend Sandy Hook Elementary School and her youngest son Luke was a 1st grader last year. As you know, the shootings happened in the 1st grade classrooms....but not his.
His class was next door. His class was hiding in their cubby as the shootings happened.
He was safe, but 5 of his friends were killed and his Prinicpal.
His class was next door. His class was hiding in their cubby as the shootings happened.
He was safe, but 5 of his friends were killed and his Prinicpal.
He wasn't physically scarred that day, but the emotional scars for him, the surviving parents & the community of Newtown run deep.
Life will never be the same.
Life will never be the same.
Last year, after the shootings, I decided to to 26 Acts of Kindness in honor of the 26 lives that were lost. I knew for 1 of my Acts of Kindness, I wanted to send dinner to Laura & her family, but since I am in California and they are in Connecticut, I thought I would order them pizza from their favorite pizza place. She told me not to worry about it, but I wouldn't take no for an answer.
I felt so helpless last December and wanted to help.
Read this post HERE to and the awesomeness of the 26th Act of Kindness & then come back to this post.
Laura & I email back & forth often.
As the 1 year anniversary of 12.14 approached, I emailed her to see what the people of Newtown needed. How could I help? Did they need more gift cards? ;)
Laura wrote back and said that their community needs prayer.
Just keep on praying for Newtown & the families of Sandy Hook.
Laura also asked if she could do a guest post on my blog to share about their experience.
I know many of you who read my blog donated to "gift card madness" so I know you will love reading her post.
Laura has a true gift with words.
Please welcome my friend, Laura:
***************************************
We sat.
Luke and Annie with their peanut butter panda puffs cereal, me with my third cup of coffee, and we shared our ideas of how we want to spend the date on the calendar that we can not avoid; the one that is quickly approaching.
December 14.
My son's therapist suggested a beautiful way for him to honor his friends that have gone home to Jesus. We all feel good about this. We will write notes or draw pictures to our loved ones, tie them to a balloon, then send them up to heaven. It's a good idea I think, and my children have responded well to this. Luke, with more cereal on the table now than in his bowl, offers a suggestion; something he wants to do.
"I want to send a balloon up for everyone who died."
Then I, failing to remember his age; forgetting the little brain of his that has no way of truly recalling the horror of that day; my own ignorance to his innocence, reply,
"Sure. We can do that. We can get 26 balloons."
His spoon stops moving.
His eyes grow wide.
He has concern all over his face.
And in his seven year old voice, he asks in disbelief, "Twenty six people died????"
It's been nearly a year.
A year unlike any other.
He was right there.
He heard it. He lived it.
He mourns his loss of friends and teachers and school.
And yet, he had no idea. 26 people did die.
For our family, watching the news is not an option. We simply don't do it. It is not helpful. It is rarely accurate. And it changes nothing. Nothing released or reported will ever give us back what we lost. No news reporter, no hoaxer, no conspiracy theorist, no NRA representative, no anybody will ever do or say anything that will change the evil events of that day. Details and images will never heal those directly affected. Twenty six people died. Twenty six families hearts were dug out of their bodies. Twenty six balloons will go up to heaven. December 14 happened. We live with that, and we live on.
But it is a dark, true and ugly story.
Horror at its best.
Death and violence, the young and innocent the target.
What happened here was the work of the devil.
What followed with the conspiracy theorists was the work of the devil.
All the fear, sorrow, doubt, chaos, and confusion was, you guessed it, also the work of the devil. That's the bad news.
But the good news?
The devil is not the main character in this story. God is.
And this, my friends, is where you come in.
Still in shock. Filled with fear. Crying out to God. You heard our cry.
But you did more than listen.
You cried with us.
And then, you responded.
You responded in the only way a human being, born in the image of Christ our Lord, could possibly respond.
With love.
Within days after the shootings, the boxes began to arrive.
Mel, who I had never met in real life, just through our blogs, organized a world wide mission of compassion.
The simple goodness of her heart & her friends hearts to reach out to our community in an enormous way. She got the word out, opened hearts, and we were flooded with an overwhelming amount of generosity.
As we sat together, reading cards, and counting gift cards, and hugging teddy bears, my children would look at me and ask, "Mom, who sent this to us?" And shaking my head with my hand on my heart and tears wet on my cheeks, I would tell them, "I don't know. People who know what happened and who want to help us." And innocently, they would press me for more information..."But why mom???" And I would look them in their eyes and say, "Because everyone loves you."
It's always been about love.
We can not breathe or smile or walk or sing or sacrifice or eat or engage or contribute or be intimate or cry or help or support or laugh or encourage or teach with out it.
LOVE.
We need it to survive.
And in our moment of feeling like barely surviving, you poured out your hearts upon us.
You. Total strangers to me. Total strangers to my community. You reached out.
You dug deep into your own sorrow, and gave and gave and gave because you knew that the only way to heal your pain was to try to ease the pain of another.
You knew that the only response to evil was goodness.
You knew that the only way for us to see our way out of the dark, was to be the lamp at our feet.
You knew that if we felt too week to shine, you could be our light.
At a time where hatred and anger could so easily be born, you chose what our hearts are made for:
love.
The ice cream, the jewelry, the cards, the blankets, the bears, the sneakers, the footballs, the artwork, the toys...they provided a great distraction for my little ones, and forced us to to not let go entirely of the Christmas feeling.
But as I sit here, a year later, the true works of goodness that you bestowed upon us truly have yet to be fully recognized. My brain still has yet to wrap itself completely around this picture.
What a blur it has all been, and looking back, I can only guess that it was nothing short of grace that carried us through.
Please know that many of the gift cards were handed out directly to our friends; to the siblings who lost a dear brother or sister.
We did our best to spread the love you so generously bathed us in.
My children took delight in dressing the bears up in green and white bows and handed them out to children they passed by.
Cold Stone Creamery's business here in Connecticut no doubt soared above their goal, thanks to all of you!
The Starbucks cards fueled us all and kept us warm in the cold winter.
I found comfort in dropping gift cards in mailboxes, hanging bags off of doorknobs, and passing the love on.
There is great healing in that.
And I am blessed to wear the most beautiful handmade necklace, reminding me to always SHINE. You, total strangers, proved that we are not total strangers at all. We are all brothers and sisters.
Many people, one body of Christ.
As we get closer to the anniversary of December 14, I wanted, on behalf of myself and my family, to say thank you.
Thank you for your generosity.
Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you for the selfless giving and beautiful example of what this world needs more of: Love and compassion.
I ask that you continue this mission you so willingly accepted; to spread the word... that God is good, and people are good, and that love conquers all.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Rom 8:28
***************************************
Thank you, Laura for sharing your heart.
In 10 days it will be the 1 year anniversary.
In 21 days it will be Christmas.
Know that we are praying for you, your family, your school, your town and your friends who lost their precious children. May you feel God's presence during this difficult season.
Keep Loving Others and Keep SHINING.
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Moms Make it Work Mary from Missouri
Today we have another one of my 'back in the day of wedding planning online in St. Louis' friends, Mary, posting for the Moms Make it Work series. I had Mary on my list of moms I wanted to convince to do this series even though she doesn't blog anymore---because she is a full time working mom (and I tried to keep it equal between WMs and SAHMs) and I miss hearing her updates on life! Her post did not disappoint and I loved reading her take on how to make it work. Enjoy!
Hello, everyone! It’s good to be back in the blogging world, if only for a day. I used to blog over at Two Pitties and a Little Lady, but working full time pretty much put an end to that. I am, however, trying to dip my toes back into the social media universe through Instagram. I am still learning, but you can find me at twopitties_littlelady. Thanks to Julia for inviting me to participate in this series and giving a platform to moms from all different backgrounds. Julia and I met back in 2006 (2007?) on a local wedding board and have ‘stayed in touch’ through blogs and social media.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you? What is your background situation?
Aside from the six years I spent attending college and working in Washington, D.C., I have lived in St. Louis my entire life. I knew from an early age that I wanted to pursue a career in the life sciences. I toiled away in graduate school for many years, encountering every problem imaginable. While in graduate school, I met my now-husband, Jason. He really served as my rock as I struggled to finish. As it felt like my professional dreams were slipping away from me, I was becoming more and more fulfilled in my personal life. Jason and I got married in 2007.
 |
| Photo Credit: Robert George Photography |
Levi brought joy to my life that I had not known since before my dad’s short, painful battle and subsequent death from lung cancer in 2007.
 |
| My dad passed away less than two months later. Photo credit: Robert George Photography |
It was also in 2010 that we decided we were ready to start a family. Up until that point, we were never sure that we wanted to have kids at all. But, with the end of grad school in sight and with my biological clock ticking (I’m 35 now), we decided to take the plunge and I got pregnant after 8 months of trying. Elsa was born in October 2011 and we were in love.
 |
| Hours before my water broke on my due date. |
 |
| It's a girl! Surprise! |
 |
| Photo Credit: Lynsey Tedesco Photography |
 |
| Photo Credit: Lynsey Tedesco Photography |
It was such an achievement after everything I had endured, but what next?
By the time I finished, I was so disillusioned with academia that I knew I never wanted to teach and be in that toxic environment again. Jason had moved up the ladder at his job and was making good money. I didn’t see us moving and really, what options were there for non-academic Ph.D.-level positions? Was I going to be a stay-at-home mom with a doctorate? Right around graduation time, one of my committee members emailed me to tell me about an opening in her department. The person who had the position was leaving and she asked if I would be interested in applying. I really couldn’t believe my luck. This was essentially a dream job that fell into my lap at exactly the right time. I interviewed, was hired, and started July 2012 on Elsa’s nine-month birthday (and with me in need of a root touch-up...yikes!).
Since I didn’t know what my future plans were, we never put Elsa on any daycare waiting lists, so I had to scramble to find childcare. Luckily, I found a great center just a minute from work that had an opening (and is also, unfortunately, one of the most expensive centers in the city). On my first day of work, I cried on her teacher’s shoulder as I dropped her off. But she loves school and her friends and I know she is receiving excellent care, which enables me to completely focus on my job each day.
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?
Well, I guess the best part of my situation is that I love my job and work in a place I always dreamed of working. There are still days when I practically pinch myself at my good fortune. I love being mentally challenged every day and I enjoy interacting with people from all over the country and the world. This is actually ironic because I was so miserable in grad school that I became somewhat of a recluse and wanted nothing more than to hide in my office or the lab. I also have a great relationship with my boss and the other people in my small department. I’m really lucky.
There are a few challenges, though. First, you have to work an entire year at this institution before getting any vacation. A whole year!!! That is a loooong time when you have a baby at home. Fortunately, you do get a lot of the “extra” holidays like Presidents’ Day and if you work that day, you can take another day off anytime during the year. I finally got my two weeks of vacation last July and took my first day off on my birthday in August-I got a massage, had a leisurely lunch with my husband (complete with booze!) and took a nap. Perfection.
Another big challenge is that I travel a decent amount for work. Last year I went on five trips and this year I will go on six. On the one hand, I consider travel a perk because last year alone, I traveled to Salt Lake City, Portland, and Seward, Alaska.
 |
| Wild sea lions in Alaska |
These two, too.
And all of this leads right into what I consider the biggest challenge of our situation, which is Jason’s commute. His job is great, but it is far away. It can take him an hour or more to get home in the evening, which is a long commute for St. Louis. Because of this, he can’t do drop-off and pick-up at daycare because she will be there over 10 hours. So when I travel, either my mom or sister has to pick Elsa up or he has to miss the end of the day at work. It also means that I never get a break from the daycare pick-up (I work 7:30-4:30) and dinner madness. Which leads me to my next topic…
How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who does that task in the family?
 |
| Was she ever really this little? |
Up until a few months ago, she was really difficult when we first got home. I nursed her after work until she was 22 months and she was still really clingy and whiny afterward, hanging on me while I tried to fix something as quickly as possible. All this after a snack too! Things are better now…except now she wants to stay outside and play or ride her tricycle and I just want to fix her food before she transforms into the starving rage-monster.
 |
| Hard to believe she can have a temper! |
Jason does what he can. He can’t control his commute and traffic. He will sometimes make her bison burgers or chicken or some other meat I can’t prepare. But right now, we don’t eat as a family and that makes me really sad. She needs to eat really soon after we get home and I heat up whatever I’m having. Jason doesn't eat until after she goes to bed and he walks the dogs. It’s not ideal, but hopefully she will be able to eat later as she gets older.
How do you keep the house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging stuff often?
We have someone clean our house every other week and it is the best money spent. Period. I would sacrifice a lot of things to be able to afford this luxury. I just don’t want to spend the very little family time we have on the weekend cleaning. I also constantly pick up when I am home to keep everything tidy. Elsa has a playroom upstairs and that is the only room that I don’t pick up every day. Then we just spot clean as needed in between cleanings (e.g., wipe kitchen counters every night) and we do our own sheet changes, sheet/towel laundry, and we clean the playroom and Elsa’s room. We really explore on the weekends. We live in the city and can walk to Tower Grove Park and the Botanical Garden. So much to see and do in this city!
 |
| Santa brought her this trampoline for her playroom and it sure got a lot of use this winter. |
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
I didn’t really know what to expect since I transitioned from grad school to working full-time after having a baby. I think that no matter what your situation is, you just fall into a routine and that can be good and bad. I like consistency and normalcy, but it also means you can fall into a rut. Why go out on Saturday night when you can wear your jammies, watch Netflix, and go to bed at 10:00? That kind of rut.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
This is tough for me to answer. I guess in a perfect world, there would just be more time to do it all. I don’t necessarily want to cut my hours at work, but I wish I had more time with my family. If only I didn’t have to sleep! I know there is no way to do my job in a part-time situation, but if there was a magical genie granting wishes, I would ask him to make it so. Even 35 hours/week would make such a huge difference.
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years, or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
No way! I am exactly where I want to be. I believe the work I do is important and that I have the opportunity to really make a difference in things that matter to me. One thing I do worry about is what will happen when Elsa reaches school age. My job is not flexible and I want to be able to attend her sports games, plays, or go get ice cream after school. I am not sure if I will be able to leverage some kind of flexibility by then, but I just don’t see how it would work. And that is something that I do think about quite a bit.
Tips on how you make this work for you?
There is no way this would work without my husband who is 100% involved. When I started, he knew he would be staying home when Elsa was sick and when daycare was closed because I had so little time off. Now if she is sick, we typically each work ½ day so that we can each have office time. I also am lucky enough to have my mom and sister in town who help out when I am traveling or Elsa is sick. Because, if Elsa is puking and I am puking and Jason has meetings all day, we need help.
There was a lot of puking in our house last winter.
Jason also does at least as much housework as I do. I may do the majority of the laundry, but he deals with the yard. Trade-offs like that. And he never complains about my weekend naps because I need them. Yes, if I had to distill all of my advice into one word, it would be naps!!! Naps make everything better!
I think another key component of making it work is communication. I can get irritated all day and night that Jason is not doing what I expect him to…but he can’t read my mind. If you don’t communicate, resentment builds until there is an explosion. I’m not going to say that hasn’t happened with us because, well, life is crazy sometimes. But, we do our best to communicate.
Jason and I also give each other time to exercise and that helps keep us sane. Jason rides his bike on weekends and has started running on his lunch hour. I also run on my lunch hour and on weekends and I also splurged on a pilates reformer in November. My dissertation writin’ room of horrors has turned into my happy place where I go several nights/week after Elsa goes to bed.
And here is my practical tip: if your washing machine has a timer, use it! Throw clothes in there in the morning and they will be ready by the time you get home, freeing up that washer for yet another load. This was key for me since we cloth diapered up until last month when nonstop leaky diapers got the best of us.
How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role?
I wouldn’t say I am free of mommy guilt, but I do pretty well. It’s everybody else I am neglecting that I feel guilty about. My birds don’t get enough attention, my dogs don’t get enough attention, and my husband sure as hell doesn’t get enough attention. The fact that there is only so much time outside of work and I devote so much of it to Elsa is what I feel guilty about. I need to take more date nights with my husband. I need to take my dogs on more special walks. And I need to spend more time snuggling with my birds, especially since Monty has terminal cancer and probably won’t be around much longer. Lots of guilt there. And don’t ask how often I see friends or even family. So, while I feel good about life/work balance when it comes to Elsa for the most part, I am not exactly excelling at nurturing other important relationships.
And since we’re talking guilt, here’s my big guilty confession: I was devastated when Elsa turned one because I love babies. I love everything about babies and she wasn’t a baby anymore. I found age 14-25 months to be really challenging and I didn’t love them. When people said, “doesn’t it just keep getting better?” I thought, no, it doesn’t. I want my baby back.
 |
| Photo credit: Lynsey Tedesco Photography |
 |
| Photo credit: Lynsey Tedesco Photography |
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?
For moms struggling with returning to work-I think the anticipation is so much worse than the reality. That day your baby starts daycare or your nanny shows up for the first time will be heart-wrenching. But, you will fall into a routine and everything will become second nature. When I started my job, I made a list of things I needed to bring with me, things like breast pump, my lunch, and Elsa. I was worried I would forget my child! Now I literally wake her up 20 minutes before I leave for work-that’s how routine our mornings have gotten. And she has a snack before school.
Thanks again, Julia, for giving me the opportunity to participate in this enlightening series and for reminding me how much "fun" it is to get blogger to talk to Flickr:)
(Thanks, Mary! Find the rest of the MMIW series here)
(Thanks, Mary! Find the rest of the MMIW series here)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)