Lets train

Tomorrow is 10 on 10!
Take a photo every hour for ten consecutive hours on the tenth of each month.
Document a day of your life and find beauty among the ordinary moments.

I highly encourage you to charge your camera battery tonight and take your camera with you during the day tomorrow so that you can participate in Ten on Ten!
It is such a fun way to document & take snapshots of your everyday life!
Yesterday, I was interviewed by Kristen of the Ten on Ten blog.
You can read it here!
Then after you read it, go charge that camera battery & join in the fun tomorrow!

I imagine every parent fears the day their teenager stops talking.

Your precious chatterbox goes from talking your ear off each day to barely muttering an "I'm fine" before they shut the bedroom door. Even if you force him to associate with the family, he spends the whole time texting his friends or perusing Facebook. But conversing with the parentals? You must be "cra-cra."

When I work with families in counseling sessions, communication is usually strained between teenagers and parents. It is common for my teenage counseling clients to refuse to even speak to their parents. Usually, by the time the family enter counseling, the parents are so fed up with their non-communicative kid that they appear trapped in a cycle of nagging. Their coercion attempts to get any type of conversation out of their child have failed. Stress is high and parents expect me to magically "fix" their teen back into the sweet, talkative 10 year old they remember. 

Children tend to follow their parents' footsteps, so if the adults are willing to make positive changes then the children will usually follow.

Here's an example about how communication can be strained between a teenager and parents:

Recently I worked with a teenage girl who had important news to tell her parents, but she was afraid of their reaction. She assumed her parents would blame her for actions beyond her control, so she confided only in adults at the school. (Unfortunately the school officials were too busy to help.) 

Her parents knew something was amiss. They begged her to confide her pain in them, but she was steadfast in her opposition to talk. It took an entire session for her to finally open up to her mother about the sexual harassment she was experiencing at school. My teenage client was shocked that Mom was "on her team." Afterwards she expressed feeling relieved she had told her Mom about her troubles, but again said she was surprised Mom was willing to help.

Despite their protests to the contrary, teenagers do want to talk to their parents.

Below are three tips for parents, which if followed, will encourage a teenage child to open up and talk.

Remember I said it took an entire session for my teenage client to open up to her mother? Even then, she opened up just a little bit at a time. Initially, after a few minutes of silence, her Mom appeared ready to give up and forget the conversation, but I continued to encourage my teenage client to open up. I reassured her she could share the information as slowly as she desired, and I suggested options to make the conversation easier. I suggested she could write down bullet points of what she needed to say, or draw the conversation, or make a list. Eventually she started talking, and then Mom showed she was listening.

If you know your teenager has something important to tell you, don't expect them to drop the news over a quick text message or on the way to school. Your child is probably analyzing emotions, imagining consequences, and brainstorming how the news will impact his social life. With those thoughts swirling in his head, it will take time to know how to communicate with you.

Schedule alone time to talk with your teenager. Turn off electronics. Account for hunger, homework, or sleep deprivation. Then be willing to sit, reassuringly, until he is done talking.

Parents have life experience and wisdom. But if your teenager does decide to open and talk about her problems, odds are she doesn't want to listen to how you overcame your problems in the past. Teenagers go through a phase of ego-centrism, which means they believe the world revolves around them. Obviously this is an immature, unrealistic perception, but it is part of human development. So, don't waste the precious time your teenager is willing to give you by dwelling on your memory lane. Stop talking about you, and listen to her.

Seek to understand her story. Listen to her endless lists of "Sally texted this, and then James texted that" and try to make sense of her pain. Show her that she is the most interesting person in the world at that moment, and she'll probably keep talking to you. Everyone appreciates a good listening ear.

Teenagers tend to open up in counseling because I focus all my attention on understanding them. I listen. I give them all my focus for that one hour session, and it builds trust. I don't cut them off; I don't start talking about me. When I do talk, I keep the focus on understanding their thoughts, behaviors, or feelings.

As parents, listen attentively when your teenager talks. Put down the dishes, turn off the TV, look away from Instagram, and really focus on your child. Listen with an intent to understand, and they'll probably keep talking.

Imagine this scenario:

"But I was so mad because Kristen posted that picture on Facebook, and Brian commented that Alice looked hot, and she knows that I like him, so how could she do that? And Alice has a boyfriend anyways, so why is she flirting with Brian? Maybe I should tell Peter that Kristen and Alice are fakers, and then he can tell Brian that I'm the only normal one in that class. But what if Peter thinks I like him over Brian? Then I'd have to go to the dance with him, but I wouldn't want to because he dresses so weird, but maybe that would make Brian jealous. What should I do?"

So how do you respond?

Most parents take a simple approach and tell their teenager what to do rationally. But simply telling your daughter in this scenario, "Sounds like you need new friends. How about you play with the kids down the street?" doesn't solve the problems she was venting about. Her complicated story reflects her complicated emotions about the problem.

"What signs has Brian given you that show he might be interested in you?"

"What other motivations might Kristen have had in posting that picture?"

"Was she intentionally trying to hurt you or was this a misunderstanding?"

"I wonder what would happen if you told Peter that Alice was cheating, but she really wasn't."

"How would that affect your friendship with Alice?"

Asking your teenager questions shows her you are interested and that you are listening (See Steps 1 and 2 above.) As you guide your teenager through an appropriate decision making process, you are also help her develop life skills. Instead of learning to react defensively to life events, you are helping her learn wisdom and perspective.

What a positive lesson to teach your teenage children!

Soon your teenager will grow into an adult, so help them learn to make rational, adult decisions. Remember that his brain is still somewhat immature and his adolescent ego-centrism seems short-sighted; but keep trying to communicate. 

So there are three ways you can encourage your teenagers to open up and talk to you.

I hope you allow yourself the time to make these patterns a positive habit in your life.

We spend a third of our lives in bed, but no one teaches us how to orchestrate our bedrooms to help us sleep well! *smile* Here is a photo of our master bedroom. Studies show that good quality sleep (not just quantity) benefits parents of families of any size...


There is usually a huge drain on Mom (and dad as he supports the family) over the course of a day especially - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - and she needs not just quantity but the highest quality of sleep at night that she can get.  In a larger family, there may be older children helpers - but there's still a lot of children. *smile*.  Now I don't say this in a negative or victimization type of mindset at all.  I'm just addressing a fact that needs our attention if we are to to function at our best. From my experience, sleep can truly make or break a person's ability to be successful on a daily basis.  Let's look at how our bedrooms can effect that.

Having a bedroom that is too messy or too mentally stimulating can actually rob you of good quality sleep.  I've known this to be true for myself, but a while ago I came across an article in The Costco Connection magazine, July 2011 issue, that had good documented proof of this concept.  The article is called, "Better Bedroom, Better Sleep", by Malia Jacobson.  The information from this article goes hand-in-hand with what I emphasize so much in my own life and writing, and encourage in the lives of thousands of other women - order, cleanliness, and simplicity to improve life.

The author, Malia Jacobson, points out four easy-to-address contributors to the quality of our sleep in our bedrooms, the last two being of particular connection to organization and de-cluttering one's home.  They are,

1.  The amount of light in the room

Light in a bedroom actually regulates our biological clock which tells us when it's time to sleep; too much light messes us up.  This article mentions that it's good to minimize our exposure to natural light, and artificial light including TV, computers, iPhones and the like a few hours before going to bed.

Bob and I have actually practiced this for years.  Here in Washington, we really only face the issue of light at bed time in the summer months, so during those months we clothes the blinds in our home a couple of hours before it's time to go to bed.  This has greatly helped our children and ourselves mentally prepare for, and begin winding down to be ready for going to bed soon.

Also, the type of light in a bedroom apparently makes a difference.  The blue lights often emitting from cell phones, computer screens, TV's, and alarm clocks, have an especially strong impact on our sleep quality, negatively effecting our sleep patterns and depth of sleep.

2.  The temperature of the room 

Sleeping too warm can prevent us from sleeping well. It's better to have a cooler room.  A drop in body temperature is actually a physiological cue, triggering sleep.  The ideal temperature for the bedroom is between 60-68 degrees, so if we open a window a little while before we go to bed, or turn on the air conditioning if you have it, or use a fan to push heat out of the room this will help us slip in to peaceful and easier sleep.  Also, again, having a darker room helps it stay cooler.

3.  The amount of stimulation 

Here is great evidence of the value of de-cluttering and organizing our bedrooms!  Unfinished projects, "to-do" piles, too much reading material on the night stand, these types of things can send our mind whirring, instead of moving us to relax.  Also, our bodies crave routine and repetition (read more on how to do this in one of  my post on scheduling and routines), so when we do daytime, mind-stimulating activities such as working, watching the news, or surfing the internet, this causes our minds to kick in to action instead of settle down.  So what should we do?  We can make our bedrooms a place of rest by banning laptops, cell phones, video games, TV, and work.  If you love to read in bed, like I do, this article suggests choosing light reading material such as a magazine instead of a suspenseful novel. Here is more information on my personal bedtime reading choices if you would like to read more.

4.  The messiness of the room

I have to directly quote this part of the article as the statistics are so amazing to me. 

As a side note:  I agree with the author's suggestions to close bedroom and closet doors at night, to create a sense of calm and order, although her suggestion at the end of the article that we follow these habits out of feng shui inspiration (Chinese mysticism) are NOT what I would encourage of course.  *laugh*  There is only one, true source of peace - the Lord Jesus Christ.

In our opinion, we should all do our best to create a peaceful, restful, stress-free environment for our bedrooms and our children's bedrooms; and we should seek refuge, comfort, and emotional and spiritual protection, from our Lord and Savior to bring peace and restful sleep at night while He lovingly keeps watch over us.  This is done by looking outward to the Creator of the universe not inward to ourselves.

"He will not allow your foot to be moved: he that keeps you will not slumber.  Indeed, the Guardian of Israel never rests or sleeps."  ~ Psalm 121: 3, 4

Blessings on your efforts for better sleep,

Marriage - Our High Priority:  How I make our bedroom our sanctuary